Little Girls

You know, we were all little girls once. I often look back. I don't have many memories of those days, yet occasionally an episode or two of my sister and me will flood back. I look at the young girls in my life now. No need to name them - all eight of them know that I love them very much and will be there for them should they ever need me. I hope they do ? What do they actually know ? What have I done to make them aware that I will be their shoulder when they need me ? What will they remember after I'm gone ? I seem to have more questions than answers these days. Although everything seems clearer to me since I began blogging, I often catch myself spending great amounts of time digging into my conscience. There are women around me now hurting, and I wish that I could wash the ugly away and make everything beautiful for them. Then I go back to the childhood again. What went wrong in mine that I am just now learning AGAIN who I am and what I stand for ? I can't put my finger on one main event. I can't even remember my parents or any of my family even so much as bicker. Is there something I can do to help these girls ? Even the little ones who don't know yet any more than today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow ? Wow. I don't really know where I came up with this, but it is eating at me. Any suggestions ?

Birthday

Today is my birthday. I don't feel older - I don't feel different. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I think that I should really take better care of myself, I am not a spring chicken as they say anymore, but I'm not ready for the assisted care living, and I'm not dead, which is a good thing, but I am ready to slow down - and have slowed down quite a bit in these last few months. I have always rushed through life, and I missed alot, so now I have to enjoy each day.

This is a frustrating issue for those around me because they are used to me taking care of everything all the time, but you know what, my kids are grown or nearly grown, and I need to look forward, not backward.

The first call I got this morning was Steve, about 5:30 am, on his way in to work. Then mother at 6:00, "Happy birthday", then once I got to work, Jeidyn called and she was so sweet...then went to the car and picked up my wallet, grabbed my cell phone - and my step-mother had left a voice mail with the same greeting....had lunch with Mother, Hannah and baby John, and tonight will go out for dinner with Steve..had flowers delivered from my mother-in-law, and ALL kids - even step-kids sent email greetings, even Steve's 2nd wife.

Bob brought back strawberry pie with Cool Whip topping for me and I'm so full !

Its been a good day.

Me

I like my pillows all around me, my window open with the fresh air right over my head, all of the lights out except the nightlight in the bathroom with the door partially closed.

I like aromatherapy late at night and first thing in the morning. I like cold unsweet iced tea, 4 wheelers, fishing, shopping, and long bubble baths. I like grilled chicken breasts, NY Strip medium rare, spinach any way you prepare it, fresh creamed corn, bacon gravy over tomato slices warm from the garden.

I love the smell of lemons, the taste of avocados, the lusty aroma of bread in the oven.

I like the smell of grass just after its cut, bales of hay just as they are broken open, newly plowed dirt, and the smell of the river when fishing from a boat.

Today

We shopped all day Saturday, did Katie Beth's party Saturday evening (pictures coming soon), and then I drove mother to Greenbrier on Sunday. Needless to say, I didn't get the picnic by the creek that I needed, but all is well and that is all I can ask for. The girls will be here this weekend and I'm so excited ! I will take lots of pictures and hug them and squeeze them and not let them go ! Granddaddy will be ok I think. I hope that he's able to move to his apartment soon, he'll be much happier.

Weekend

My sweet sweet niece Katie Beth will turn 7 this weekend. Her party is Saturday night.

Mother and I will go shopping tomorrow morning for her, and make a long morning of it, eating breakfast out and such.

I plan to spend part of Sunday having a picnic by the creek, thinking and relaxing.

There are still so many items to pack, and many trips yet to be made to the storage building, but I will set aside Sunday to rest. Hopefully the girls will be here next weekend, and I can not wait to see them.

Little Farrah turned one this week. I'll have a birthday next Thursday.

Old Friend

I heard from an old and dear friend yesterday out of the blue. I hope that we stay connected, it was so good to hear from her.

I spent some time last night trying to pack up the other room from the hail damage, but each item I picked up has glass slivers in it, so I basically chose what will be kept and what will be tossed, and before I knew it, I looked at the clock and it was after 8pm. I left everything as is was, and will work on it again this weekend. I can't believe how much has to be done. I have had a storage unit rented for over a year now, and since moving into the new house it is nearly empty, so the contents of these two rooms will fill it up finally. Its just so time consuming, but at the same time I don't want anyone else going through my things.

Mother was to go to Greenbrier again today and spend time with Granddaddy. All reports lately have been encouraging, and I hope they remain this way.

Will stay home tonight to get my sister's tax items reorganized for the first quarter and take care of some business that has been neglected.

It feels like I'm getting busy again, whirring in every direction, but it feels good to get back "in the loop". And once the hail damage is taken care of, I'm going to go on vacation. No ifs, ands or buts.

Changes

Changes are all around me, and I am proud to say that I am ok with it and handling it well. I worked for several hours last night packing up boxes of books, videos, curtains and notebooks that received little to no damage in the hail storm. The clean up has been more of a chore than I ever could have imagined. There is glass in everything, on everything, and once I think I have it all swept up I see the tiny slivers sparkling in the light. One good thing from all of this is finally getting everything out and into storage, organized and emptying the rooms to get them ready to repair and paint, and one of my favorite things is redecorating, so should we ever move back in it will be completed first. I don't know where we'll end up, but I am praying every day for the right answers and so far I am receiving encouragement, and sometimes see the light at the end of the tunnel. The stubbornness remains, but the longer I wait and longer I cause everyone around me to wait, they are forced to appreciate what they have taken for granted, and it will only benefit me in the end. Patience. Changes. Moving forward.

What Lies Ahead

This is a front shot of the house that I fell in love with two years ago.

I had some issues this weekend come up regarding truth and fiction, nerves and tranquility, health and illness, respect and a lack thereof, angels and fate. After a long nap Saturday evening I took a drive up north. Something urged me to turn off on Old #12, and low and behold the house is for sale again.

I had an appointment with my internal specialist this morning, a follow-up, and thought this may be where I learn my answers, whether to pursue this dream or not to pursue this dream. Everything looks fine inside, so all systems were go.

I had been watching the house on the Internet, and once it dropped off, I was certain they were able to get their asking price and I was heartbroken. It looks like they may have only listed it for contract period with a realtor and then put it back up for sale by owner.

This was very encouraging, at least until I arrived back home and learned that the negotiations on my home on Pebbles Circle may have crumbled. The contract I signed was on my desk at the office so I didn't panic yet, decided to read it with my boss when I would arrive at work this morning, and I am in no better position than before.

I am very discouraged this morning, but will call an old and dear friend that is a mortgage broker tomorrow, and begin proceedings to see what we can work out. Being a rural property, lenders aren't so excited about lending, but there is something about this place. I belong there. My grand babies belong there.

Keep your fingers crossed and say a short prayer, that His will be done. I will keep my eyes wide open and my heart tender for an answer or direction.

Snooping

Ok- so I'm nosey, invasive, and I snoop. So Shoot Me.

It just occurred to me last night that I haven't read any of Bryton's writing in almost six months. I remembered his journal was on his nightstand the other day, which meant he had pulled it out from his hiding place and my curiosity got the best of me.

He has always been such a deep thinker - very spiritual, but as he has gotten older I am not "allowed" to see this side of him often. This son of mine, who moans when I refer to his friends as "little Josh" or "little boys" has become too cool for mom. I can't help it. He'll always be my baby boy.

He has kept a journal since he was in the 6th grade. This is one of the VERY few things the public school system encouraged that I approved of. So I snoop.

Most of his recent journal seemed simple, much like my writing, but it appears he is attempting to write short stories, intertwined with drawings, which truly captivated me - allowing me not only to feel what his characters felt but what they look like in his mind also.

He'll absolutely die if he knows I blogged about him, but you know what, I have every right to brag.

Remembering

Unpacking the boxes of books I brought home from Granddaddy's apartment triggered memories last night of childhood vacations at their home place. I miss their place in Greenbrier.

As I took out each book, I realize that Grandmother took exceptional care of them, and most likely read all of them. I found Granddaddy's Chemistry and Economics text books from 1932 when he was in medical school, and journals that he kept from the first few practices he opened. Those were days when people without money traded livestock or produce to pay for the house calls, and this was a very common transaction.

I remember the lazy mornings at their ranch and the wonderful afternoons spent at the clinic with Granddaddy, helping clean the rooms after each surgery, talking to the animals in recovery. Thinking of what a contrast this is from my paternal grandparents farm, but in so many ways the same, as they both loved us unconditionally.

I often wonder what my grandchildren will remember of me when I am gone. What memories will they keep in their heart?

I took time this weekend to push the limits, to see how far it would go, and to test the waters so to speak. It worked in my favor. All of the soul searching in the world does me no good if the things around me and people around me are not willing to cooperate. Having been so independent for so long, I have come to realize that I must be the driving force in my relationships with those I love. Not in control necessarily, but the force behind our movements and our futures.

If I am not the strong one, these children will not learn to stand on their own. They will not learn that their voice should be heard also. They must take each moment and make it count.

There is an abundance of love in my life, and I must accept it and move forward, not reject it and push everyone away. Some of what I have done has caused me to be very isolated and unhappy, so I am working to remove any negative influences, and focus on positive future seasons.

I have many travel plans. I have to visit the granddaughters and go back to Conway to see Granddaddy, and since Daddy is back in the states, he's asked that we come down for a few days. I still plan the trip to the farm, springtime is beautiful there, and peaceful.

Just taking in one moment at a time has been fantastic. I look forward to each day, rather than dread the next saga.

Time Well Spent

I spent yesterday evening walking before the storms rolled in. I untied Blaze and we walked through the wooded lot next to where I used to live. He loved the freedom, running and jumping ahead of me and then galloping back to me, as if to urge me to hurry up.

The clouds were gray and green, but over the horizon you could see a pink and yellow haze over the tops of the mountains in the distance. The occasional raindrop nudging me to return to safety.

I enjoyed this rare walk. Slowly tromping through the underbrush that has begun to regrow since its last cutting, I realized that this is a moment that I want to repeat frequently. This is a walk that I will make time to take several times each week, not so much for anything other than me.

When I got home, I finished hanging the laundry and went around the house for a final 'once-over' before settling into my nightly routine. As the last item was put in place I ran a hot tub of bubbles and announced to Bryton that I had intentionally left my phone in the back part of the house, just let it ring. I lit several candles and put in Tchaikovsky, and drifted even further away.

Once back to reality, I climbed into bed, adjusted all of my pillows around me, turned out the light, and had one of the most peaceful rests I have had in a very long time.

Days like yesterday are rare for me, but I intend to make them happen as often as I can. We all need these days. We all must make these days happen. Even if it is only once in awhile.

Little Moments (4)

Closing my eyes as I sit by the creek, listening to the water make its way from the hillside to the bend near the bottom, I allowed my surroundings to envelope me.

Breathing deeply, taking in this moment of serenity, I thanked God for his blessings, knowing there are too many to count.

Upon opening my eyes, I realized how beautiful nature is and how I have taken it for granted again, its peacefulness.

The new buds on the underbrush, bushes, and trees reminded me that once again, as another season begins for nature, it begins for me also.

The Company You Keep

I received this from my best friend in Atlanta. How wise these words are.

The Company You Keep

It is better to be alone, than in the wrong company.

Tell me who your best friends are, and I will tell you who you are.

If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl.

But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn to soar to great heights.

A mirror reflects a mans face, but what he is really like is shown by the

kind of friends he chooses.

Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity.

Consider this :

Never receive counsel from unproductive people.

Those that don't increase you will eventually decrease you.

Choose to rise, don't settle...and go for your dreams!!

Taking time

Baby steps. Watching the wind blow. I have been walking through my dreams. I have been listening to my soul. Time taken to relive and relearn has been long overdue. Decisions and heartache abound. Love and compassion overflow. Storms and sunshine battle between the present and the past. Daily tasks and duties become mundane. People around me turn mute. Leaves crunch under my feet, shattering the silence. Each new direction I turn brings a new view of my surroundings. I am following the light. I will reach my destination in the end.