Changes, Protectors, Friends

For as long as I can remember - or for as long as I can still feel what it was like to hurt so deeply, it seems that I have constantly thrown up barriers around me in an attempt to divert the honesty of the pain.

It appears I was very good at it, and so many memories are gone, and so many situations that I know I survived with minimal scarring have not shown themselves to me until too late. I have buried many things down deep.

In prospective of the last two weeks, I have juggled back and forth my feelings and my surroundings and my past.

A situation has come up that demands attention. The oh so familiar pang of fear, the insecurity, the unknown. Yet what was once dissolved has resurfaced and I am VERY aware that everything in my life has happened for a purpose, and I feel that this situation too has a reason. I don't want to turn away from it, or be afraid, I want to be strong and live this through beginning to end, wherever that may lead me.

update

all have moved home.

A Rant

The day after my last post, I got up early, started on the floors in the dining room, great start to an awful day. Around 10, my daughter showed up in tears, kids bare foot, freezing temperatures outside, blood on her shirt - grabbed my husband and just bawled her eyes out. Yes, she and the son in law had gotten into another fight. My father in law was there, scooped up the youngest granddaughter and I got the baby, the two older girls went into the living room and parked in front of the television. 10 days later, they are still with me, all 5 of them. I'm having issues about the son in law naturally, but she has taken the kids to see him twice, picked him up from work a few times and this morning took him to work. He has been in Texas on an oil rig, so if she has left him for good, then why not allow the kids to be home, in their own beds for a week ? I'm confused, the cell phone has not left her ear since she arrived, she has been gone most nights, and I have been working all day and getting up with the sick ones at night, and my body finally gave out. I spent Saturday night until this morning in bed sick. I don't know what happened, she gets angry when I ask, but when I arrive home, she is either asleep or gone and my husband has the kids. I agreed to keep the kids while she works 10pm to 6am, but I feel that she should participate in feeding them, bathing them, getting them ready for bed, and at least giving me a little down time when I get home from the office. She must be out of sorts, I know I was when I got rid of my ex - but I think right about now there should be some very serious decisions made. We will continue to take care of the little ones, this is not their fault - and they must be cared for, but had to get this little rant off my chest.

So far on the new meds, I'm feeling lots more energy - I did all my weekend shopping after work, and have knocked out 1/4 of my plans for cleaning out and projects for this weekend. I should have the babies 4 nights next week, and my plan is to get this stuff done, cook all weekend, and enjoy my Sunday with the husband. In the back of my mind, I'm getting these long neglected projects done now so that I can spend some time in the garden this spring and not worry. My two largest feats were the "reading room"-- DONE -- and the other spare bedroom...its is almost done, just touch up paint and when we aren't sogged down with snow and rain we need to take out the gigantic dresser and burn it - its that old 1980's black lacquer that the husband inherited oh my gosh many years ago - the particle wood is disintegrating - fine with me - in my decorating mind - less is more - and these tiny rooms - I'm gonna be so glad to get it out - but the biggest projects in there are done, these are easy little things !!! I don't think I'll ever be finished redoing rooms - this old old old old house has so much potential - but we are only leasing, but until we are able to buy, I figure I may as well clean, repair and move on right ? Adr, I miss you too. I count on you, though I know we are SO busy - and SO involved in our worlds, always know I think of you all the time, and I so proud of you. I hope things in your world are ok - but I know your strength and I know your heart, and you will be fine.

Family

So issues have come up again about Granddaddy, he is living with mother, we have full time help there, but she is frazzled, trouble is, he isn't ready for the nursing home and I hate to see that happen when the state (that he and Grandmother spent their lives paying taxes in to) will get all of his holdings, savings, stocks and bonds... Nursing homes in this area range from 4000 a month to 4500 a month, and I am looking at it like if it takes 4500 a month for him to to be happy and be where he KNOWS he isn't in a nursing home, then so be it. So far, full time help is only 1400 a month, but mother is stressed out... My daughter showed up in tears, their water was shut off today - four kids, two adults. My husband gave them a water key to turn it on, I will pay the bill tomorrow because they don't get paid until Friday... My sister and I are working ourselves into high blood pressure - but we are definitely made of the same cloth, and we are gonna be ok - love her. Missing my Aunt Betty, sad that Uncle Jay is gone, but can't get away to be with her, and it breaks my heart. If we didn't know better we'd think I was her child. Work is keeping me at the very edge - but you know what - that is the profession I chose.... Loving life, loving family... keep going.

Our Snow

We measured over 6 1/2 inches ! It was beautiful