Making Time to Enjoy

So I shopped and shopped Saturday, got tons done, finished little touches on the house, and Steve and I wrapped oodles of gifts. I pretty much parked on the couch Saturday night, feet hurting and just really tired. I began feeling anxiety again about forgetting something, what to plan for the Christmas dinner, and how many would be here for Christmas Day, etc. I spent about two hours that evening on the phone with my oldest step-daughter Kara, and we had a wonderful visit. It is so nice when they begin to mature and grow up. She has Steve's oldest grandson, and they too live out of town so we don't see them often either.

She has all but begged to help me cook, clean, wrap gifts, run errands - etc. This is unusual for me. No one ever offers to help me !

She, her husband and their son will be here Friday night late. We decided to surprise Steve. Their original plan was to arrive two days before Christmas, and as far as Steve knows that is when they are coming. They will stay until after Christmas, so he should get some good bonding time with his grandson.

I shopped some more yesterday, and almost have everything ready, will go to UPS at noon today and ship the out of town gifts.

I decided last night that THIS year, I'm going to be finished, I'm going to stop and enjoy the holidays, no matter what anyone else has in mind. (Keeping my fingers crossed of course).

And the best news of all, I ordered a home computer from Dell this morning !!! YAY ! will finally have one at home again !

The Girls

I had the girls of course this weekend. Little Macenzie doesn't remember Christmas trees and all the lights. She walked into the house Saturday evening and said, "Nanna, is it twistmas? Did you get me a present ?"

I have a small artificial tree in the dining room/den. This tree's purpose was for all of the decorations Steve's children had gotten for him over the years. This being the fourth year that he will not see his children, I didn't drag out all of those old boxes, rather put up blue and silver ornaments, and the girls really loved it. But I saved the best for last.

This old house we live in has four small bedrooms. Very drafty bedrooms. The two rooms up front are FINALLY made into guest rooms - each with a twin bed and more floor space. The girls aren't too sure about sleeping where they aren't right close to Nanna and Pappa, so I give in each time and make a giant pallet in the big living room. (Our bedroom door opens to this living room). We kept them occupied in the den, dining room and kitchen until it got close to bedtime. I asked Steve to keep them in there until I had their bedding ready, and lit the big live tree in the living room. They were amazed. This tree nearly touches the ceiling. Macenzie said, "Oh my goodness !! Its twistmas Nanna !". Jeidyn just looked at me and said, "Nanna, why didn't you let be put stuff on it ? " Poor baby. She's the oldest, and always my helper. I've had her with me nearly every Christmas of her life. All but one I suppose. She's my little sidekick.

So after baking cookies, we talked about Jesus' birthday, and we showed them the various nativity scenes around and they had a great night. I do believe they all want their birthdays to be Christmas birthdays - rather than Dora or Princess or Little Mermaid. !!!

We woke up Sunday morning and Macenzie climbed in bed with us. "Pappa, Is it twistmas?" I think its so sweet.

Steve and I realized that this Christmas, knock on wood, will be our first Christmas since we've been married that no one was living with us, no one was estranged from spouses, and this will be our first Christmas together alone. Looking forward to it. Believe me !

Holiday Spirit

Memories like this one with two of the granddaughters a few weekends ago are so precious to me. I made a game out of raking the leaves up into piles, and then allowing them to jump in - and they had so much fun. Even though the temps have REALLY dropped, and the ground is wet - they continue to ask to "get in the leaves".

I suppose, although I haven't been asked yet, that I'll have them again this weekend. This time, weather will demand that we stay indoors, and I'm hoping that we don't have any major accidents with the Christmas decorations or trees. Wondering if these memories they make with their Nanna will stay with them the rest of their lives as mine have that were made with my Grandmother and Granddaddy, and with Mamma and Pappa Hutch ?

I suppose we'll make cookies together and possibly tackle wrapping a gift or two so they can experience that also. I'm not sure if their mother will decorate or do gifts again this year. All of the little Christmases these babies have had, they've either lived with me and my husband or others that were kind enough to take them in while they were unable to get on their feet, and my husband and I did Santa and the gifts for the whole family. This year, they finally have their own place and I have contributed decorations and money for a tree, but have yet to hear if she's done anything about it. So I will at least try to let them experience a little of the holiday while they're with me.

Another holiday season and another struggle to enjoy the true meaning of the season rather than the inevitable drama that surrounds it in my world. Seems I'm not alone - many people dealing with blended families have to deal with the jealousy between siblings, step parents, ex-spouses.

Feeling Old But Loving It

So lets see, after the oldest daughter threw her last fit - we had no plans for Thanksgiving - so I thought it would be my way to get the husband to take me down south to our family reunion - but deer season squashed that one. And so of course, the daughter changed her mind-attitude-whatever you call it, and I did the dinner at our house. Lets see - 24 lb turkey, 17 lb ham, 2 croc pots of dressing, squash casserole, green bean casserole, wheat rolls, cherry cheesecake and pecan pie.Yes I cooked it all. Yes, I was exhausted. The husband slept until noon that day - how nice that must be to wake up one hour before Thanksgiving dinner is to be served ??? I wouldn't know. And there is the grandchildren situation. Don't get me wrong, I love those little rascals. All of them. I miss them when I don't see them, but when limited to two days off a week (and this is only recently, as I have normally worked two jobs), I need at least one of those days to get done the responsibilities of the house - and it breaks their little hearts, but their mother seems to become angry if I suggest allowing them to come and spend the day to play. We live in the same town. She doesn't want to go "back and forth dropping them off and picking them up"... What I would have given for mine to be kept for a few hours on my day off - any day off when they were this age ??? Not quite figured this situation out - but hell, it has worked this long right ? So a fit is thrown so I keep them overnight and half the next day.....and then try and play catch up .. and then collapse exhausted again. The son is recovering well. He was in a head on collision, no seatbelt, went through the windshield, scared the CRAP out of me, and I do not know how he is even alive. All injuries thank goodness were superficial - and he will heal. One man was not so fortunate. God has a plan, I know this. So I'm feeling old, but thinking that if I keep getting older, and keep feeling older, then I will be so decrepit that less and less will be expected of me ? And these are trivial issues, I truly am blessed with a loving husband, (who is in the doghouse the majority of the time), and I am fortunate to have plenty of food, a roof over my head, and though it doesn't sound like it today - a family that loves me very much.

Fall is in the air (IN MID AUGUST ???)... And I'm so excited for the cooler weather ! It is cool outside and I'm already planning big family dinners and can't WAIT for time to open the house up and let the fresh air in !!

Us

In the last few moments of solitude before all of the grandbabies arrive, I have chosen to take a good look around me, with eyes wide open. I see an aging man, napping in his recliner, peacefully, finally. The years have leathered him inside and out. His heart bears many scars, as does his skin. Yet he is full of forgiveness, and love, and is still a good provider.

I see a house that has been a home to many families, and it shows. I see the cosmetic changes I've made, the new floor coverings, curtains, layers and coats of paint. It is well used, it is old, it is not a fine home, yet it has good bones, and it is still hanging in there.

I see my old dining table, 'Old Faithful'. I remember falling in love with it the minute I saw it. I even had the contractors extend the dining room wall 8 inches when they built my house, to ensure a proper fit. It has seen many a meal, many a guest, many a tear and many times of laughter. It has been there over and over when we have been fortunate enough to feed many family members. It has scars also, from many years of use, yet it is still hanging on.

I remember that from the moment we looked into each other's eyes, we knew that we wanted the same things, we knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we wanted to be there for each other. We are not perfect, we are not without fault, we are not living in a fine home, driving fine cars, eating in fine resturants. But this is who we are, what we are, where we are, and this is us.

Making Progress

So I have to say that I'm proud of the old man. The husband was out of the back patio last night, I was wrapped up in the living room watching tv when I saw that someone had called on the caller ID - I knew I had not answered, in fact I didn't even hear it ring. When I realized who it was, I started out back to tell him but before I opened the back door I heard him talking to someone. I guess I was eavesdropping - but I am glad that I did. He was explaining to someone how all he ever wanted was a large happy family. Lots of children, grandchildren, large family gatherings, and for everyone to love each other and get along, but the truth is despite how hard he and I had tried in the past,we have had nothing but turmoil from all of the kids, and it had finally soaked through his thick skull that a large happy family was not a reality - that possible some day when everyone was grown up then things would settle down and everyone could get along. He apologized to the person he was talking to, said he didn't mean to sound like he didn't care, because he really DID care, and he loved everyone, but that he and I were simply exhausted from all of it, and we were finished with the nonsense. It left me speechless. FINALLY. He has accepted the situation for what it really is. He has finally looked at what has been going on for the past 4 and a half years with sober eyes and a clear head. There was a lot of damage done before I showed up, but I have been nothing short of a faithful, loving wife and stepmother, and mother - and when everything we try continues to fail, its very discouraging. He sees what I see now. Maybe only FOR now, but now and yet to come should be all that matter - as long as he doesn't forget the road we've traveled.

And so the changes were made. One hour after bragging to one of the husband's friends that stopped by how good it felt to let go - how nice it was to finally be able to BREATHE in my own home, how peaceful things were getting for me, and how much closer the husband and I were becoming.....it all blew up. Trying to learn the right --- no that isn't what I need to say ----- I know the correct reaction, I have already learned it... I have to USE the tools I've learned. I refuse to live the rest of my life with my guard up. I am not a bad person. I made oooodles of mistakes raising my children, but I did it, its done, and if they can't get over my screw ups then I'm beginning to think that there really isn't much I can do about that. I refuse to keep a wall around me. I am getting older, I am tired, I have given and given and given. I still have love inside me - I still have a chance to be happy. I'm finished working on everyone else for a little while - they don't listen anyway, and then I run behind and pick up the pieces and sweep the rest under this perpetual rug I have my heart wrapped up in. For what ?

Father's Day Weekend

Ms Macenzie posing for me.

Farrah, enjoying the afternoon in the shade.

All the girls, visiting

The girls on their Pappa !

? Perception ?

Maybe I just realized that I have not allowed peace in my life. Maybe it has been me, refusing to TRULY step back and allow myself to stop and enjoy one moment at a time. With all of the children gone, I am learning a new me. A new perspective on my future. With my husband. I can't fix everything, and I am not willing to allow others to require me to do so. I have tried.

Pictures from the Fishing Trip

This is the home where the pond was located. It was just beautiful !!

Dad cleaning the fish

Across the pond.

This was the dock, (and one of my poles sticking up !)

Going Fishing

Will post pictures tomorrow, but I am taking off today to go fishing with my father in law. Dad is still here, but will be spending the day with my sister and her children, since he hasn't seen them yet since he's been in town. It will be HOT but I am so glad for the break. No kiddos - no husband - no stress. Wish me luck.

Stayed up til 2 this morning with Dad. Didn't even realize what time it was - but I'm paying for it today ! As if the stress and nonsense I've been going through had not been enough, I had to go and deprive myself of sleep. I don't really regret it. I enjoyed it and I'd like to be able to do it more. I love our time together. I think today he was to take my daughter and her girls to buy clothes. I know he's loving it. I haven't seen my girls in several weeks. Hopefully hopefully soon.

Taking Lessons

This is my sister Toni, ( on the right) and me oh - about 1975.

It appears she is teaching me something - just exactly what I can't really remember.

I have been through another gut wrenching circumstance in my life - but have made it through. I always do. And each seem to leave scars, but also leave lessons learned behind. We have to endure hardships and heartbreaks, and we have to rise above them.

I think I have grown up, until the next one hits me right square in the forehead. This is when I realize, I'm still taking lessons. We may never learn it all.

Tunnel Vision

Today is a sad day. Thoughts I have put away have come stampeding through to my conscious, and it hurts. I can only withstand so much, and I know this, and yet I keep my eyes forward, looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I suppose as a defense mechanism making sure that I do not pay too close attention to what is really going on around me, for that would be far too devastating.

Thursday's Perception

As I often complain of the 'ole man's' obsession with the lawn mowing duty, I find myself today once again enjoying the smell of freshly cut grass, and the peace that comes over me knowing all phones are indoors, so if the multitudes of our offspring are calling with yet another crisis... Urmmm..."Sorry I missed your call, please leave a message."

For several years now, the antics I have witnessed at times are difficult to believe. Friends have suggested I write a book. I am no author. M My very sparse proper grammar was lost in college - WHOAH - now THERE are some cobwebs. It seems the more I become reconnected with my "inner" self, much southern slang becomes verbal. At times, my Hill-living-redneck-old timey- old husband looks at me with a very puzzled expression. "Did YOU really say that Shannon ?"...followed by lots of laughter, then he'll boast, "I've been rubbing off on you haven't I ?" So ok. If it makes him feel good - let him go there. Ha. And I'll move on to the next perception.

It has been a peaceful few moments. A rarity. As I look up from my tablet, I see a proud cut male Appaloosa chasing a miniature male pony across the pasture because both of our mares are in full blooming heat. One of the baby goats has her head stuck on the outside of fence. My 17 year old just darted out of the back door with my Zebco too fast for me to realize it and stop him, my mother just called wanting the latest details in my daughter's life, and the husband made a round by me on the mower and dropped off a bundle of miniature wild roses - thorns and all, lawn mower fumes, and the racket of the mower's engine.... Guess he's trying. He's just new is all. I should probably appreciate the fact that he actually got off of the mower long enough to cut them.

Bless his heart. He's learning.

Memorial

Changes

Bracing myself for the changes ahead. Knowing that some are beyond my control, some will have to be controlled by me, and some that I have not been shown which direction they should take...just aware they have to take place.

Another Perception

I left work early yesterday to enjoy a little sunshine that we all have missed for weeks. I watched a mother robin pull a worm from our mud soaked driveway. We let the 3 remaining baby geese enjoy an afternoon of sunshine, having been confined to our back porch since their arrival - too small to know the dangers of the hawks that lerk just yards away. Our rain gauge showed another 2+ inches, not realizing that come August it will crack from dry heat, but thankful all the same that we may have a sufficient water reserve for our drinking water during the summer months. The husband attempted to mow the front of our property, only to make a single round and return the mower to the hill due to standing water on the yard. A phobia this is for him it seems. A very nervous condition that seems to occur twice a week, and has become a family joke. I often wonder how much truth there is to the theory that men mow because it drowns out the sound of children, or in our case, wives. And the magnificent color of the bluebirds, enough to remind me of God's wonder, appear and disappear as quickly as the realization of our insignificance.

Daddy doing services in Baghdad

This is our new horse Belle.

My son Bryton

Springtime over the pasture.

It Seems to be Spring Again

The smell of freshly cut grass blowing through the open kitchen window. The aroma of the marinade slowly burning off the wire rack in the gas grill as it preheats for tonight's nourishment. The hummingbird that startles me as I step out the back door, having interrupted its feeding frenzy. The pauses in time that are spent as I look over the back yard, making mental notes of which projects I will begin first, forgetting the bacon sizzling on the stove for my beans. My tiny moments in time, these moments of the early Spring, leave me with a sense of hope for brighter days and peace if only I will stop and savor them.

Anita's Wedding

So things are different now, yet the same somehow. Excitement swells inside of me as I anticipate my long deserved trip to the farm this weekend to meet Dad and Uncle Clark, yet my husband backed out on me last night. Progress of some type - or what ? He has always complained SO much about me traveling alone, and although I have made this trip countless times alone, it is a very crooked and steep and narrow highway to get to the farm, and he worries endlessly. Last night he told me he was going to stay home, but I should go because of my need to relax, and this would be great if my son went too. Seems to think that I need a protector to ride along. Hoping that this is a positive change. Knowing that this must sound menial, but it is monumental. Maybe some of my speeches and lectures have been heard.

Sprin Photo Blog

Ms Macenzie, I'm sure telling me a tall tale !

Look Nanna ! No hands !

Farrah would not get off of Scorpie

Steve riding the new horse Belle Starr

Finally have the home phone fixed - apparently the old house has old phone lines and they have been shorting out, but as soon as the old phone starts ringing I kind of miss the peace and quiet. Too often, pleasant evenings are interrupted by calls of situations out of our control, and some situations that we would prefer to stay ignorant about. I read online Monday that my daughter is getting married this Friday - strange part about it - she was at the house Sunday night and no mention. Odd. Oh well, the sun is shining and its a beautiful day, so I'll move forward.

Spring

So plans include gardening, pouring concrete for the fence posts and FINALLY my clothes line...roping off the area behind the house and planting grass seed, mapping out the garden rows, what to plant what to plant what to plant ! I have TONS of painting to get done still, I have a piece of furniture at my sister's house waiting for me to pick it up - I have a bedroom that you can't walk in without stepping on something - and that something is probably mine ! - I just can't get done. I feel guilty because I told the little ones last weekend that I could not keep them because I only had one day off - so if I tell them no again - well - I can't do it all !

Enough

OK OK OK ! I have taken ahold of the reigns. I have made my point known - and those around that are certainly going to get their hands slapped and their toes stepped on just build a bridge - I will not go there again. And no, I will not be offering apologies either.

My Weekend

My orange and black rooster, my red and black rooster, and my black and brown hen.

Haulin hay with my husband

Railroad depot in Mena

I thought this store was neat.

Aunt Louise's old home place before they built the new house.

The tractor seat swing is still there !

Me - new hair cut.

Her tulip tree is beautiful...the cardinals too !

On the way down - lots of small towns and lots of dreary skies. Quick trip to Texas - but a safe trip.

Girls and their Pappa

Benjamin Evan

Born yesterday 7lbs 7 oz .............