Making Progress

So I have to say that I'm proud of the old man. The husband was out of the back patio last night, I was wrapped up in the living room watching tv when I saw that someone had called on the caller ID - I knew I had not answered, in fact I didn't even hear it ring. When I realized who it was, I started out back to tell him but before I opened the back door I heard him talking to someone. I guess I was eavesdropping - but I am glad that I did. He was explaining to someone how all he ever wanted was a large happy family. Lots of children, grandchildren, large family gatherings, and for everyone to love each other and get along, but the truth is despite how hard he and I had tried in the past,we have had nothing but turmoil from all of the kids, and it had finally soaked through his thick skull that a large happy family was not a reality - that possible some day when everyone was grown up then things would settle down and everyone could get along. He apologized to the person he was talking to, said he didn't mean to sound like he didn't care, because he really DID care, and he loved everyone, but that he and I were simply exhausted from all of it, and we were finished with the nonsense. It left me speechless. FINALLY. He has accepted the situation for what it really is. He has finally looked at what has been going on for the past 4 and a half years with sober eyes and a clear head. There was a lot of damage done before I showed up, but I have been nothing short of a faithful, loving wife and stepmother, and mother - and when everything we try continues to fail, its very discouraging. He sees what I see now. Maybe only FOR now, but now and yet to come should be all that matter - as long as he doesn't forget the road we've traveled.

And so the changes were made. One hour after bragging to one of the husband's friends that stopped by how good it felt to let go - how nice it was to finally be able to BREATHE in my own home, how peaceful things were getting for me, and how much closer the husband and I were becoming.....it all blew up. Trying to learn the right --- no that isn't what I need to say ----- I know the correct reaction, I have already learned it... I have to USE the tools I've learned. I refuse to live the rest of my life with my guard up. I am not a bad person. I made oooodles of mistakes raising my children, but I did it, its done, and if they can't get over my screw ups then I'm beginning to think that there really isn't much I can do about that. I refuse to keep a wall around me. I am getting older, I am tired, I have given and given and given. I still have love inside me - I still have a chance to be happy. I'm finished working on everyone else for a little while - they don't listen anyway, and then I run behind and pick up the pieces and sweep the rest under this perpetual rug I have my heart wrapped up in. For what ?

Father's Day Weekend

Ms Macenzie posing for me.

Farrah, enjoying the afternoon in the shade.

All the girls, visiting

The girls on their Pappa !

? Perception ?

Maybe I just realized that I have not allowed peace in my life. Maybe it has been me, refusing to TRULY step back and allow myself to stop and enjoy one moment at a time. With all of the children gone, I am learning a new me. A new perspective on my future. With my husband. I can't fix everything, and I am not willing to allow others to require me to do so. I have tried.

Pictures from the Fishing Trip

This is the home where the pond was located. It was just beautiful !!

Dad cleaning the fish

Across the pond.

This was the dock, (and one of my poles sticking up !)

Going Fishing

Will post pictures tomorrow, but I am taking off today to go fishing with my father in law. Dad is still here, but will be spending the day with my sister and her children, since he hasn't seen them yet since he's been in town. It will be HOT but I am so glad for the break. No kiddos - no husband - no stress. Wish me luck.

Stayed up til 2 this morning with Dad. Didn't even realize what time it was - but I'm paying for it today ! As if the stress and nonsense I've been going through had not been enough, I had to go and deprive myself of sleep. I don't really regret it. I enjoyed it and I'd like to be able to do it more. I love our time together. I think today he was to take my daughter and her girls to buy clothes. I know he's loving it. I haven't seen my girls in several weeks. Hopefully hopefully soon.

Taking Lessons

This is my sister Toni, ( on the right) and me oh - about 1975.

It appears she is teaching me something - just exactly what I can't really remember.

I have been through another gut wrenching circumstance in my life - but have made it through. I always do. And each seem to leave scars, but also leave lessons learned behind. We have to endure hardships and heartbreaks, and we have to rise above them.

I think I have grown up, until the next one hits me right square in the forehead. This is when I realize, I'm still taking lessons. We may never learn it all.

Tunnel Vision

Today is a sad day. Thoughts I have put away have come stampeding through to my conscious, and it hurts. I can only withstand so much, and I know this, and yet I keep my eyes forward, looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I suppose as a defense mechanism making sure that I do not pay too close attention to what is really going on around me, for that would be far too devastating.