Sat Aug 30

I have been snapping pictures, unpacking, resting, running errands today - but it was a very good day....I can't download pictures on here yet - but will - AFTER the weekend.

Hope you all are enjoying the beginning of the holiday also.

Weekend Holiday

We aren't doing the family Labor Day tradition this year. I'm thinking a picnic - ALONE - and maybe a creek trip too. MAYBE even wet a hook. Keeping my fingers crossed.

August 28th's events

Well, lets see. After two weeks of rain, the house on 28th street was nearly waist high, and the mower has been down, so after $50 for a belt, another $20 for gasoline (remember the last jug was emptied by the ghost), Steve finally got the lot and the yard mowed. I worked on the inside, trying to pack the new set of dishes in the box they came in - which I knew when I started they will never go back in just like there were when you bought them...but I nearly got all of them in.

Turning to begin removing pictures from the walls, I thought something looked odd, out of place - so I moved a picture of Jeidyn, and this is what I found.

My flash does not work, but you can see it. The lower one obviously done by a skateboard - and well - the top - a head or fist.

So, another list begins of 'Things for Shannon to Fix Before She Moves Forward'.

I looked in the kitchen cabinets again, trying to take an inventory of pots, pans, utensils, knives and appliances, just to get an idea of what faces me when I get the boxes ready, and I honestly don't know where alot of this stuff will go. But me, the 'Queen' of throwing out - or giving away - knows where it will go now, and where it will be most useful. I called my daughter in Tulsa, and asked her what she may need. "Well, we only have 4 knives, and well you saw what some call a microwave, and so anything you can spare I will use." I told her that the next trip down, Please have the trunk cleaned out, and don't let mother send anything home with her and we will load up.

This only takes care of part of it, but it was progress. Steve's oldest daughter has recently married and they have rented a home in Fort Smith. Before the latest 'cold war' began, I offered these items, along with pieces of furniture to the newlyweds, but they chose to go the rent-to-own route, (as did many of us, and all of us learned a valuable and expensive lesson), but now have decided that this was not the way they should have done things. Steve got on the phone and offered to let them have some things again, and we will see how this one turns out. (Remember - lacking my assistance is going to be a challenge that he isn't prepared for). Don't get me wrong, I could care less if they have the items, I prefer someone have them that can use them - and I believe they will use them. Its just hard to swallow when you are being kind, GIVING away free stuff, and then you are hung up on AGAIN.

"So do they want the stuff or not Steve ?"

"Yes they want it, she is just being rude.."

"Rude? Ok. I'll leave this one alone."

So I bit my tongue. Again.

He knew. I didn't even have to say it.

When we were at the house on 28th, he made the comment that we were moving me out asap - over the weekend.

"Steve, I am paying the rent for September. I am paying the utilities for September. We have nowhere to put any of this stuff - remember? All the help that has been promised that has failed to show up ? I will NOT put my stuff in another front bedroom and live this way for any longer. You will help me get the stuff out of the rooms up there, and put them in the storage building that we are paying for - because that is what we are paying for it for - and after everything is cleaned, primed, and painted, I will put these items up there. So - you don't have to panic - you have one month."

And I'm sure after this weekend of NON WORK I will be blogging about what did not get done - but just for today, I'm going to enjoy my sunny day and cross my fingers, hope for the best and go out for Mexican Food !

We moved Granddaddy down last week. I promised him last night that I'd come and fix his lunch a few times next week to give mother a break, and we'll get in some really good visiting. You should see him now. Eating solid food - (the care facility had him on puree'), CLEANING his plate every meal, and is going to town on his walker. I'm so glad we did this. This is where he is meant to be. And at 94, I believe now he's going to outlive all of us yet ! And this is FINE with me !!

Learning the Seasons

I'm here at work today, trying to get a grasp on everything around me. It is true that I made the decision to stand firm and move forward. It is true that I made the decision to remove myself from the path of drama when concerning one individual. What is not clear, or should I say, what I am wrestling with currently is the shifting sand surrounding the situation.

The only solution I can muster up, is to sit back and watch the latest and greatest events unfold and let him shoulder the complete burden. When he is unable to deflate the situation, and turns to me for assistance, I will have to let him stand alone. The conflict comes in my decision to be his wife, and stand beside him...and I struggle with letting him fall, which he will, as he has many times when crushed in these situations. But I can't live honestly and still condone the behavior, so all I can come up with is allow it to happen, not intervene, not make suggestions, refuse to go out of my way, and reject requests for financial help.

This may make me a 'bad' wife, but I can't allow those circumstances which are out of my control break me down again.

Alpha Male

Ok, so I may be too sensitive, but I just don't like it. Dutchess (our mama goat) is in heat apparently, and the two boy goats, (left is Buck, right is Billy) are really acting ridiculous. I don't like it - I know its nature.

Same here. This is the Apaloosa. Dominant male of the horses so far. The other horses have been cut, he has too - but not before he sired two colts, so he knows what its all about, but can't do anything about it - and if I thought the goats were bad - he is something else. His name is Lucky. For some reason, he is Jeidyn's favorite horse. Not mine.

Even the roosters with their dance, and prancing around - then BAM !

I just can't get used to it. But I look at things going on around me. I know that a mother's first instinct is to protect her babies. And the male - seems like sometimes is there for the breeding purpose, not the children or babies. Maybe I should watch a little longer. It may shed some light on a few things.

The Creek

Saturday morning, I woke Steve up at 6, "Lets go right now. Lets go wake up the boys - we promised." John John (the oldest) was awake when we got there - so I climbed in bed with James. I petted him and talked to him, and finally said, "Are you going with Nanna Shannon and Papa Steve or do you want to stay here ?" He sprang up - grinned so big, and jumped in my arms.

When we left there, we stopped at the Mill Pond Creek where I took the photos last weekend.

"I want to get out. I want to go down to the water this time." So Steve stopped the truck, and we played on the bridge, waded below the cans, and the boys dropped rocks in the upper side and ran to the low point where the cans spit out the rocks to the pool. The boys were fascinated for about one hour. I did get good shots.

This is the old Butterfield bridge. The old stage route heading north. I'd like to get a closer look, maybe even on top, but the rocks are so slippery and I had my sandals on.

When we left there, we went to Katherine's favorite creek, Lee Creek. Now I'm not sure if her favorite spot was the canoe landing or not, but that is where I wanted to go, mainly to take pictures for her, so that she may look at them and find tranquility.

These are for you Katherine....

After they made it across, they came back for me. I waded almost half way up stream with them, the water just as clear as glass, but it never got above their chests.

Then the rains came, me in the middle of the creek, sun shining, boys squealing. It was absolutely beautiful.

This fawn watched us leave. We stopped the truck and even talked to it and it kept listening. I think it was John Paul's doing, his way of saying thank you for spending time with the boys.

I have not been in a creek, believe it or not, with my feet wet and clothes drenched since I was 9 or ten years old. I needed this. I will do this again.

My Weekend

Saturday morning, my father-in-law and brother-in-law dropped off my new (used) clothesline. Steve wanted to load up and go get gasoline for the mowers and the Bronco, so I used the opporitunity to make him go to the grocery store with me. When budgeting household expenses, (which apparently he has never done or someone has taken care of it for him), I try to explain the cost of food, paper products, gasoline, and our lunch money for the week. Somehow he has always figured in utility payments, rent, vehicle payments and insurance, and the buck stops there. He left IGA quite baffled at the small amount of food, but the enormous bill.

When we got home, he began mowing, and I went about cleaning, folding and hanging clothes, switching out laundry, sweeping floors. After the lawnmower belt broke, he came in for a break, and I informed him that the phones had been ringing off of the hook. I was not answering because I knew that th individuals were not calling for me. They have made it clear to me they wish no part of my input or presence in their lives.

He called them back, and of course, they needed money. And he gave in.

I insisted on a trip - I had to get out of this nonsense - away from the phone, and away from the situation for some peace and nature..so here are some shots of the lake.

When we got home, Tiffany showed up with John Paul's sons. I have been very worried about these little guys since the funeral. John was a HUGE part of their lives. We will keep them next weekend.

They seem to be ok, playing and playing. John John, the older will start kindergarten today.

Drive Up North

Oak Bower Road out of Rudy. Its not as clear as I intended, but I was trying to show the steep grade of the dirt road and the mountains in the background. It really was beautiful.

Swimming hole off Millpond Road. It looks like it is only about 5 feet deep right now, but you can see the bottom.

I wish I would have gotten out and waded this one. I didn't see any snakes around, this water was very clear also.

This area made me want to be camping, and wading, and cooking outside. I want to follow this on through to where it meets Lee Creek.

I wish it would have focused more...but I needed the out.

Where I Would Like to Be (For those who actually give a care)

I would like to be on a journey to the rest of my life. I would like to wake up each morning and know, 'Today is for me, and today will matter.'

I would like to have time for arts and crafts, for redecorating, for reading. I would like to take up painting, and spend more time with my photography.

I would like to work toward a future home, a future peace, a future of life.

I would like to be outdoors more often, rafting, fishing, camping and antiquing. I would like to hop in the car and go visit Aunt Betty and Aunt Sue, and spend a day like many before helping with chores, or just talking. I would like to go see Dad, and take my time coming home, just relaxing in my old stomping grounds in Texas.

I would like to have time to paint my nails, enjoy a pedicure, have my hair done, or do someone else's hair.

I would like to finally visit my birthplace, in Tennessee, take photos and make a journal for my grandchildren to have someday.

I would like to leave behind a good memory of myself for those close to my life.

Our days are numbered, and more so now than ever before, I realize that we have to make each day count.

Rainy Day

More rain and cool temperatures today - thank goodness. I hope we have another peaceful evening tonight. They are few and far between, but I enjoyed yesterday and last night so much, that I am going to try and focus on the peace, rather than the nonsense.

I believe we have gotten more than 6 inches this entire weekend in various parts of this area. We were under burn bans and fire warnings, and the temperature stayed above 100 for several days. This is a huge relief.

Sunday

Believe it or not, today was a much better day.

I finished canning salsa last night, and cleaned the kitchen this morning..(After Steve let me sleep until 10:00 which I don't think I've ever done). We had planned a trip to the new park yesterday, but kids and circumstances didn't allow. His brother came by for tomatoes and salsa, so I visited with him and his wife for a bit, talked to Dad some more about next week, and took a nap..(which I RARELY get to do)..The events of last week and last night were overwhelming, but I guess I got over it because I slept like a child.

Bryton came up to Steve's this afternoon with some friends, and Lauren wanted to ride one of the horses. It has been cool and raining for two days (thank goodness), so it was a nice day for a ride. It seemed like old times again. Bryton took some pictures, so I thought I'd include them today.

We were leary letting her go - Echo is so big, but then Bryton told us after about 30 minutes of fretting, that she used to barrel race, and we just laughed. She did fine.

Today reminded me of winter up here in this old house. I have always preferred the winter weekends, staying inside cooking, doing the domestic thing - and I was allowed the time today. I miss the peaceful life of being the woman of the house - as old fashioned as that may seem. I miss taking time to read recipes, clean without being rushed, getting everything organized again.

I cleaned the front room that Steve's daughter and her husband had moved into. They never picked up all of their things, but I do not want to wait, it could be a long wait. I am ready to paint finally since those windows have been replaced. Will go all white with baby blue trim. The shelves are built into one wall, they too will be white with my blue and white dish collection on them. One twin bed with an antique quilt, and the short chest of drawers in there will be primed and painted white. I am going for the old farm house bedroom look. I have already hung off white curtains on two windows, and I will try and pick up baby blue or navy curtains for the other two windows. I enjoy this.

The computer room is ready to work on now also. The old carpet it out, and we'll lay laminate planks or tiles down - it too will be white. The one window in that room and the ceiling have to be replaced - so I'm leaving the concrete floor for now until the workers get their thing done. I have toyed with the idea of putting Bryton's futon on here - but I really don't want to take up any space - will just have to see.

This was the Old Number 12 Schoolhouse we saw in the way to the funeral Friday. Katherine, this is and old one I bet you haven't seen in awhile !!

Family

You know, I hear and I have preached about family being there for you...That when all else crumbles around you, your family is all you have left.

Learning to accept betrayal - caused by family - has been a war inside of me for several years, and I have to step away and look at the root of the problem.

Recently I posted on standing down...accepting my place in this situation, and even praising the fact that I am only a fixture in some of their lives. This is ok...the problem is, when I am waking up bruised and tattered, nervous as an old wet hen, unable to rest peacefully, I am unable to shake it.

Several things were brought to my attention early in the week, concerning relationships. It would be nice if I were able to tackle the problem head-on, and put each in their place, but I have never learned to be the aggressor. I guess you aren't the aggressor when you have to self-preserve, once you've been wronged, but it feels like it. More so because so much is done behind my back and at the time I am unable to defend myself.

I promised everyone I would be HONEST. I think most conflicts in the past were caused in large part by dishonesty, therefore, I feel that I am safest by keeping quiet.

Today I was not quiet. My line in the sand was crossed for the millionth time and I let it be known, the "Don't ever call me again" threats would no longer be mere threats, but that it would no longer be necessary to lose sleep over the fact that I would call again. I had not called even at this point.

I have not learned yet, and I am still a pup as far as dealing with death - betrayal - injustices, and some day maybe I'll pull it together and be allowed to concentrate on Shannon again...it just was not an option that was available to me.

So back to my journal I go - and these rambling thoughts may some day make sense, or at least help me remember this feeling - these circumstances, and I will grow from them.

And what happened to the days when families stuck together ?

John Paul's Final Resting Place

The trip to the cemetery was a very long dirt road, climbing mountains and trees overhanging the roadway.

When the service began, I am estimating that there were well over 200 people in attendence. It was beautiful, but heart wrenching at the same time.

Stress Relievers

Long walks by the creek.

Picnics by the river.

Sitting the old barns, imagining what the hustle and bustle was like in years past.

Days spent away from everyone in log cabins with nature trails.

Solitude and peace for hours on end.

Getting back to the fundamental roots of my soul.

I'm trying to learn how to accept betrayal, I supposed everyone does and it is possible that we never learn the key. I'm very forgiving, too much so and have been for most of my life. Yet each time it stings like it was the first experience.

Gathering composure to continue my responsibilities, I put the hurt aside and move on. I am trying to maintain my course of health first, after learning uncomfortable information at the physician's office this morning, yet reinforcing the need to concentrate on me - not others right now.

We will go to the visitation for John Paul tonight, and Tiffany will need my strength, not my weakness at this time. We will lay him to rest tomorrow morning, finally.

Maybe this Saturday on our day trip, I can gain strength, or peace, whichever I need to keep going.

Collective Energy

Starting from the bottom and working my way to the top, searching for the 'cheat codes' in order to get to the end of this level quickly, I may have rediscovered some truth that has been long forgotten.

Knowing ,"To thine own self be true", and , "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." Somewhere in the distraction - somewhere in the cluster of emergencies and family crisis I seem to wrap my soul up tight in, I leave Shannon behind.

My friend told me a few days ago, "You have to find some relief - for your own sake" and looking back, only one day later told me, "You are a bit of a martyr, don't let them use you up until there is nothing left." And right she is.

Just before I sent my response to her, and proof read my message, I realized - I was all over the place...it hit me right in the face - and it seemed to scream - "Poor me, feel sorry for me, I am angry, I am hurt, I have been the victim of an injustice " but as I kept reading, I realized that I had in fact, in the same note, proclaimed to be strong and independent and really on the right path to finding my own justice.

I spent the last few nights at the rent house on 28th Street, not only to try and recover from my illness - or get away from the circus at Steve's, but to rest and gather my bearings. These feelings, these days, as I have seen before are the beginnings of a downward spiral in my mind and body and soul. Apparently I have worn down my immune system to the point that I can't fight off this infection, and I was so exhausted that I could no longer rest or sleep. I had to hide out for a couple of days and pull myself together.

I don't think I'm all together yet - I know I'm not - but I have rediscovered a truth...

I have to take care of ME. I have to start at the bottom, with health. Exercise is giving me more energy. Fresh raw vegetables and fruit for breakfast and snacks, and tons of water.

After health, we'll see. I'm not sure past that point, and I am not going to focus past that just yet. One step at a time - and the next will fall into place.

I am going to take the time to visit the river again. I will sit on the dock and absorb my surroundings. I will wet a hook and hopefully get lucky. I will plan on Saturday morning driving to the new Lake Fort Smith in Mountainburg. I would like to have a picnic. Even if I go alone. Even if I'm upset that they ruined the best crappie fishing spot in Arkansas for "PROGRESS". I want to go.

I want to take a drive up north through the winding dirt roads, and follow Hwy 59 all the way to Dutch Mills and come back home. I want to relax. I want to take pictures and focus on my photo blog.

I have to start with me.

Rest in Peace Son (John Paul Jones)

We will miss your craziness, your smiles, and your unpredictable practical jokes.

There will never be another like you.

Watch over your babies in Heaven.

Never Claimed to Be Perfect

Not having the energy or desire to justify myself, I simply mean to let you know that I never claimed to be perfect.

Over the last several years, I have stood by your side - yet kept my distance, and I have always - without fail - been honest with you.

I am guilty of compassion. I am guilty of believing most things I am told, even when there is a huge shadow of suspicion darkening your words.

I am human. I love deeply and whole-heartedly.

It has never been my intention to step on toes, nor has it been my inclination to retaliate when I have been wronged.

I have never stolen from you, lied to you, or in any way directed ill manner toward you.

I never claimed to be perfect, nor do I claim to be now.

Sometimes my reservoir overflows and I can no longer move in any direction. Call it self preservation if you like, but I can not take any more on at this time.

I have tried to make things right within my small world, but I have become unwilling to continue to battle against concrete walls that are continually built around me.

Your fortress has been solid, and it has served its purpose well.

Favorite Things

Grandchildren

Children

Bacon gravy over slices of home grown tomatoes

Scent of bed linnens that have dried on the line

Fajitas

Gardening

Long bubble baths

Big covers in a cold room

Dogs

Cooking

My dad

Unsweet iced tea

Redecorating rooms

Quilts

The farm in Sparkman

Fishing

Traveling

The river

My job

Reading