Angels

Five and a half years ago, I awoke from a deep and unusually peaceful sleep, to Grandmother telling me, very gently, but very clearly, "Shannon, it will all be ok, talk to your mother." I sat up in bed, somewhat startled, but not afraid. You see, Grandmother passed in 1996, and she was always distant to me - she and my sister were much closer, until events in my youth took their toll. I was not living with mother at the time, but with Daddy, and was oblivious to the turmoil that was going on around my mother and her parents in Arkansas. And I was puzzled that she would tell me to talk to my mother. I was not, nor had I ever been close to mother. I was not sure that she wasn't telling me to check on mother. But mother was fine. I dare not tell anyone what had happened.

Her visit stuck with me for a very long time. It was as clear as glass. I did not know what she meant, maybe offering peace to me for turbulent times ? All the same, her visit was always guiding me.

One year later, we were almost 2 weeks away from closing on our new home. He and I had been fortunate enough over the years to save, and bought 6 1/2 acres of land about 25 miles from here, out in the country, up on a hilltop. Incredible view. I designed the floor plan, and the long porch across the front, and he built it. Our view from the porch was mountains, valleys, and skylines as far as you could see. The view from the back porch was wooded, with wildlife everywhere. It was our dream come true. There were no neighbors for miles. We were down a long winding dirt road that continued for miles. I loved it.

His entire demeanor had changed.

His trips on the road became more frequent.

I discovered he found another woman.

I gave him 24 hours to clear out.

I was devastated. I came home and collapsed on the floor, and I do not think I came out of it for several months.

I know that I took care of the children, I showed up for work, I paid the bills, but honestly, I have no memory of it.

Two years later, my life turned around. THIS is what Grandmother was trying to tell me.

Over the course of this gut wrenching break up, mother and I became very close. I leaned on her, and she was always there for me. This is what Grandmother meant.

Everything will be fine.

So yes, I believe in angels...they come to me sometimes.

Taking My Time

Cleaning out and cleaning up. I am beginning to feel that this was my purpose in life. I'm kidding of course, but looking at the mountain of tasks ahead seems both exciting and overwhelming.

I enjoy cleaning - instant satisfaction I guess. And I love taking rooms and completely overhauling everything...walls, furniture, floors, drapes. My first big project once the hail damage is repaired will be the front two bedrooms. One as a guest room - the other for Bryton. Those are the only rooms that do not have ceiling damage.

The second project will be all of the furniture. I bought new furniture when I moved out. And I don't intend to get rid of it.

I suppose all in all, I may be looking at things in the wrong light. I should be looking at it as if I have the opporitunity to make positive changes - and get my way - and finally organize.

And, hopefully, my girls will be here this weekend - so I'll have to be Nanna and play play play. So again - I will set aside some duties, in order to take care of the important things.

Blessings

The gentle rain that nourishes the garden and the flowers

The ability to provide food for my family and those around us that aren't able to make ends meet

The laughter of my granddaughters, along with their squeeling and sisterly spats

My sister's sucess in finally selling her home, and mother's generosity in keeping her children while she travels for her career.

For my 2nd son Blaze (my boxer), and his patience with the new kitten

Long Weekend

Family time.

I didn't visit with many of the family members much this weekend- mostly worked in the garden and I lost count of how many trips I made to the grocery store.

I woke up Saturday morning to find that Bryton and his buddies had decided overnight to have a cookout, and raided the refrigerator-so those items had to be replaced.

Mother and I went to the grocery stores where the best circular ads and coupons were, only to find most of the items sold out - so it was not worth the fuel it took or the time.

The large air conditioner Steve and I bought summer before last shorted out. Called an electrician up - worried that it was the wiring in the old house, COULDN'T be the unit, its only 16 months old - only to find that yes, it was the air conditioner, but the only thing that had a warranty beyond a year was the compressor - and its ok...so another air conditioner it will be.

Steve called to wake me up this morning - and yes the new roof was really pretty - but he woke at 4am to rain coming through the bedroom ceiling. Wow. We are truly tested sometimes aren't we ?

And I haven't figured out why I'm not in a panic ? Maybe because I still feel blessed. We are fortunate to be where we are, and even though everything hits all at once, we can see our way out of it.

And it really could be worse.

Simple Pleasures

With yet another holiday approaching, and all of the changes around me, I find myself pondering past memories and losing my bearings in deep, deep thought.

Being that I love our large families, and the occasional gathering of the kids, to visit with each one and catch up on the latest events of their young lives, I look forward to the holiday and the addtional time off with mixed feelings.

I had hoped to travel out of town, at least for one day. I have some day trips that have been planned for over a year, and of course neglected, but I think this time, this weekend I am going to push to go.

The last few years, as I have posted before, have largely consisted of my running teenagers around, running errands for the husband, running in circles to ensure everyone around me had what they needed and neglected my own needs.

I am not a selfish person - I am very giving, and forgiving, to the point most generally of fault.

I am not above a compromise either. In fact some of the day trips I have planned are actually very near and it may be possible to get them accomplished without sacrificing everyone's holiday. The problem usually comes in when I feel rushed to get everyone what they need, and then rush through MY day.

There are great antique shops here in the older part of town, and being a collector of the antiuque blue dishes, I have planned for 3 years to spend a day of it going from one shop to another, for one dish or another.

Before Steve and I married, Daddy came up from Texas and spent a few days with me, got to know Steve, and the three of us spent two days rummaging through old antique stores, eating at out of the way cafe's, and resting on the benches outside of the stores every so often. We took long drives up north and stopped to walk and take in our surroundings.

Remembering these activities brought it all back to me again. Longing for the farm, and the simpler pleasures in life. Hanging the laundry on the line - opening the windows for the morning cross breeze. Feeding the chickens early and talking to them about in what order my chores for the day would prove most productive. Listening for the distant rifle shot of one of the men out hunting, getting the meat for dinner from the well house freezer box. Washing the greens early and getting the bacon fried in the pressure cooker before mashing them in. Listening to the rattle of the cooker echo throughout the house.

Wonder if I'll ever have the simpler pleasure of those days again. Is it possible to make them happen in this day and age ? Should this be the focus of my weekend ? I can smell the bacon already.

Wednesday

Yesterday was crazy.

Lunch, with mother, Hannah, and Baby John, then off to pay the electric from the rent house, north of Alma - and by the bank...back to work in a mad rush. After work, back to the bank, by the grocery store, dropped off Steve's electric bill, water bill and gas payment, by the rent house to change clothes, up to Steve's only to find 9 guests - (AGAIN), so I did the entertaining thing (AGAIN), and by bedtime I was completely worn out.

Lunch today will consist of picking up Bryton, taking him home - going by and paying off Steve's truck - and then by golly I am treating myself to mexcan take-out. Will have to eat it at my desk, but I'm splurging all the same.

Oh my goodness - I forgot - I hid a kitten in Steve's house last night - will have to get on the phone and find a home for it...he heard it meowing this morning...

Tonight I am going straight home and into the bath, (I hope) - and doing absolutely nothing...well - maybe read or write, then TO BED !

Feels Like Summer

Yesterday evening I was surprised to see that a bluebird had spotted my partially home-made bird feeder. Mother told me Sunday that the squirrels have all but destroyed all of hers, and I replied, "Let the squirrels come. I love squirrels too. I enjoy watching them as much as I enjoy bird watching." The wrens took over the bluebird house that my uncle in Washington made for me, and I have been worried about them. Sunday I saw 4 feeding with the chickens. I have several more feeders and will put them together as time allows this week.

When I arrived yesterday evening to work on the garden and continue planting, (the cookout this weekend was to recruit help for the garden, which didn't happen), I discovered dog paw prints through the center of 4 rows of corn, that has just come above the dirt 1 inch tall. Apparently when Blaze saw my car coming up the drive he ran right through - but bogged down in the muddy center where I had watered the tomatoes Sunday and got stuck. Steve got him out and hosed him off before I changed clothes and came outside. I don't think anything was damaged too badly, he was paralyzed by mud before he reached the tomato and squash plants.

Bryton came by also, to oversee the planting of the spinach. He and I discovered a few years ago how much we love it, and last year it didn't make, so this year he claims he will help tend to it. After it was in the ground, he moved to the rows of corn, counting to make sure there is plenty for the deep freeze. "Yes, Bryton. I purposely planted more than usual."

Although puzzling, I am so pleased that he has taken interest in the garden. Years past, it was a chore - almost as if I were punishing him to help me out there. Yes its hot, yes its hard work, even though this is the easiest part, I hope his interest continues.

I washed up, fixed a hot plate for the husband and spent a few moments outside, alone, relaxing in my chair, enjoying the breeze, taking in the nice evening. I gathered my work clothes, and drove back home, took a nice cool shower, and re-dressed again. I walked across the street to mother's, and dropped of a few recipes, and spent my last 30 minutes of daylight on my deck - taking in deep breath's of fresh air. Hoping that it won't stir too many allergies up again !

In all, it was a pleasant day - with the hint of summer coming - and the renewed energy it brings with it.

New Perspective

I spent the weekend working in the garden, cooking for 23 people, visiting with family who came for the cookout, and cleaning both houses. I had a full weekend, and yet managed to "hang on" to me, and look at things around me in a different light.

I am being very critical about my relationship with Steve -- and oops -- a Freudian slip there -- I should say, OUR relationship.

My whole entire purpose for taking my time is to make sure this is not a by-product of medication, that he is sincere, and is willing to take the time needed to make this work. This will NOT work, as I have pointed out to him, if it continues to be a one-sided effort for success.

This weekend was a good time for me to sit back and relax. Lots of people - lots of family - oh I know, you're thinking (what time ? sounds busy ?) - but it was perfect. I spent all morning shopping, got to Steve's, began preparing food - and of course - around this house - when the majority of invited guests are young people - there isn't much help in the kitchen. But this time I was not perturbed by it - in fact, being that cooking is a passion of mine - it gave me alone time, thinking time, and I was able to listen to all conversations around me. Very enlightening.

Listening to everyone elses take on things, on the garden, on the house and repairs, on the vehicle situation, on our relationship, shed a different light on things for me.

The difference this time, was the peace that I felt.

Please make no mistake. I am still taking my time. I am in no rush to move back, I am still enjoying my own space too much. And I will work on one issue at a time. As time allows.

Changes

How quickly things change.

I got word this morning of some things that Steve did in his past that have me really really re-thinking this whole thing. He was younger - yes, but sometimes people really don't change.

He is trying very hard to prove to me that he loves me and that everything that has gone wrong was his doing.

Still - I have to re-think some things. I'm going to back off- I'm going to explain to him that I have to stay home for awhile - in the midst of all of the clean up and gardening, I just don't know how I feel.

Today's view

Adding in the fact that I did in fact get some of the seeds in the ground makes things better. I feel like I'm moving forward.

Bryton spend Friday night with me at Steve's and has gone over there nearly every night since, even last night while I stayed home. I am glad they are hanging out - but still taking my time.

I am at a point now, that once everything is finished over there - the clean up- the windows, etc, that we are ready to move back in...we'll see..right now, I'm going to focus on the outside as soon as the weather will allow.

I just wonder, being with all of the confusion of two sets of groceries, two sets of utilities, two homes of responsibility, that I have bitten off more than I can chew. I just hope that when things die down I will be allowed to rest some more.

City Girl vs Country Girl

Driving through the city a long forgotten excitement came back to me... I miss Austin I miss Dallas I miss the 'hub-bub' The stores, the eateries The side-street boutiques.

I miss the skyscrapers and the high-rise apartments.

The long forgotten dream of a penthouse suite, with sparse furniture

Modern art on the walls

Slate floors, luxurious bathrooms.

Loneliness, however is unbearable

Even surrounded by thousands of people.

Yes, I miss it, I crave it occasionally

But this Army brat loves home.

Home Sweet Home

Made it back fine, safely, everyone delivered back to their homes ok..drove into Van Buren, went to Steve's, unloaded mom's car at his house, took out my laundry and his belongings, reloaded mom's car, drove to my house, unloaded the rest, drove up the hill to mom's to return the car, and expected a short 'gotta run' visit. This short visit ended up turning into eating dinner with them, going over the weekend's events, the 20 million questions about my daughter and granddaughters - some of the same questions 2 or 3 times asked. After escaping, I walked home, visions of a very hot bubble bath dancing in my head, but oh no - course not - the refrigerator is empty, the car needs to be test driven.. No rest yet. After the dreaded trip to the grocery store I put away the food, showered quickly, and thought "one slice of butter cake, glass of milk, finally - rest - bed - sleep ". Wrong. This urge to grab my journal again and scribble the crazy rambling thoughts down overtook me. Subject after subject, theme after theme, so off to scribbling I went. Sometime early this morning, bed was wonderful, my own covers, my own pillow, my own world again.

Organize

Will get my thoughts organized today, with what little time I have left at the office, I will organize my desk and tasks for tomorrow to make sure that all responsibilities are done. Thursday and Friday are my busiest days, and since I hope to take off Friday, I have to ensure that I'm finished tomorrow....so... Once I leave, I have to go by the store, get to the house before the hail hits, then to those tasks. I will need to make a list for Steve also - I won't go there tonight because of the hail, but he will have to get his things out also so that I may pack them. Anyway, on to dinner, then dishes and mop the kitchen, put up remaining laundry and separate my things to pack for this weekend. I will clean out the remaining items from my car and put them in the storage, then clean the leather, windows, and dash.... Hopefully tomorrow night will only be packing , finishing laundry and a long hot bubble bath before bed. That way I can have Friday to relax, and then hit the road Saturday.... This is kind of humorous - since we aren't going any further than up the road a piece - but I'm taking in every little minute of it...I finally get out of here - not on errands - or for duties - but to relax...and visit, and shop, and go out and eat !!!

On the Road Again

Will leave Saturday to go to see Steve's kids, and I think he'll help his ex wife and son get a fallen tree out of their way - and should she need any other "man" stuff done, he and his son will knock it out for her. She truly has become a friend, and although there are bad past occurrences, I feel it is not too much for Steve to lend a hand, regardless of anything. She is the mother of his children, his children live there, and I believe a small hand once in awhile is not asking too much.

I have instructed everyone that I do not wish to make plans - lets go with the flow. We can't check into the motel until 3pm, but if we work outdoors, shop and visit - then we will be ready for showers and dinner just in time to get settled.

My girls live just north of where we'll be getting the room, and I'm so excited to see the babies I just can't stand it. I have GOT to stay out of the stores though, I've already bought outfits again and need to put some money back for the trip...its so hard to say no. You should see the little girl outfits at the store nowadays.

I have yet to plant the garden, my chore for this evening, but we've had a steady rain since I woke up this morning...so planting is out. Oh well, will get some laundry in.

I had a great evening yesterday. Steve came to my house and mowed while I grilled steaks, and then we enjoyed drinks on the deck, looked at some real estate for sale that I printed and took home, and had a nice visit. After he left, I talked to Daddy on the phone for over an hour, then mother, and got into bed by 9. Bryton woke me up at 10:30 to tell me he was spending the night with Allen, but was in bed when I left for work this morning.

I'm hoping that today remains normal, peaceful, and raining. The rain seems to calm me.

Spring has Sprung

We got the garden tilled finally, and have planned to plant tomorrow evening, weather permitting - but forecast doesn't look friendly, and Steve called this morning and said the roofers will begin work this week - and most likely leave trash. BUT I am looking at the positive - no doubt - wet, rain soaked ground will be full of nutrients also, just messy to work with.

Granddaddy fell again yesterday and mother is sitting on "go" to see about getting to Conway, which for me may mean taking off work and working for Toni in mother's place, and catch up later here at the office.

I may not be blogging much this week, due to the urgency of his situation, and the need to get the duties here caught up. But today is a good day - and I look forward to this entire week, knowing it will be a good week.