Fall, Friends, and Finding Me

I have met up with an old friend. We have been able to squeeze in a few moments of time here and there, and I am feeling a little more grounded. I have been taking time to go on slow drives down long dirt roads, I have been learning to relax, I have been taking things in one at a time, I have been learning to appreciate me and my worth. I have been spending time with my sister and mother, and daughter lately. This is my favorite time of the year - so far.

Having been getting to know my "new" routine has been unusual... but I'm coming around. I'm learning that I do NOT need to answer to all - though it is hard to break that when I've lived that for too many years to count. Friday night my daughter and 4 kids spent the night and we went to my nephew's marching band performance at the High School Homecoming game. We had a very nice time, and a very good visit until the wee hours of the morning. Saturday I stayed with the little ones and gave her money for a tire, one that she had not noticed, front driver's side was completely slick. She returned shortly and had the kids vacuum and pick up their things and left. I had the place to myself by noon. I heard from an old friend and was invited to go out to the country for a little R and R and though waiting on other plans to materialize, I just decided to throw an overnight bag in the car and go, so I did. And I had the most amazing, relaxing time.

We Laughed

We danced in the kitchen We experienced the mountains We laughed. We caught the butterflies We absorbed our surroundings We laughed. We spoke of living We spoke of dying We loved.

Peace Please

With changes come hope. With hope comes focus. With focus comes progress. With progress comes peace, one moment at a time

Peace II

Slow drives down long dirt roads

Endless two lane highways that eventually take you everywhere

Deep breaths of cool crisp autumn air

Landing safely after the storm

Peace

The rainbow of wildflowers, the cascading mountains, the cool crisp breeze, the bite of the my bourbon, the comfort of security.

Words

"Speaking of the butterflies you're feeling, I'd love to catch them all." I hear you all right. "You'll never be afraid again, you know I mean what I say." Ok, I'll buy it. "You deserve all the happiness in the world, and I will stand firm in making it happen." Sure thing. Trouble is, you have to prove to me what you say, words are only words, even though they make me smile, they are weightless at this point in my life, I have been let down too many times.

New Place

I am adjusting to my new surroundings all right I suppose, but have ups and downs and mood issues and sometimes I just think I'm plain going crazy. I have not really slept well for several months, even before I left and once in the new place, it took a small adjustment period before I could sleep through an entire night.

So Here We Are

I left. I had all I could take, and I left. I got a townhouse inside city limits, and so far, other than unheard of mishaps I really do like it. It will be more homey once I get all of my things from Steve's house, but I'm there, and adjusting to life alone. Again.

Recent Photos Loved Ones

Thank Goodness Its Monday

Friday I worked an hour past and went home to Dad and Steve and 7 others, cooked supper for the masses and spent the rest of the evening outside with Dad.

I suppose we sat up and talked until well past midnight, and I enjoyed every minute of it. Until Saturday morning when I slept two hours later than I intended.

My sister and I put on a shindig for mom's 65th birthday. We had quite the turnout.

After the birthday party Saturday evening I went home completely exhausted and ankles swollen, only to cook again only this time for 16 more people, and kept the grandkids. Sunday morning I set my alarm EARLY and Dad and I got up and drank coffee, watched the horses and he was off to southern Arkansas. I miss him already.

August 2010

Bart and Shane, Echo and Bre

Mr Duke is growing !

Steve getting Bart ready for Shane to ride.

Focus On One Object

After a very hectic and very stressful weekend AGAIN, it feels good to be back at work and focus on something other than situations that keep bringing me down. I have done as I said and spent extra time with Duke, and he is doing great. I am almost ready start training him more complex commands and soon he will be old enough to be let off of his leash and hang out with me a little more. That is what I'm excited for. My dad should be here next week, so I am going to spend tonight again working on small projects to get a few things more organized. I worked on three areas last night, and decided that one small piece at a time is best, as there is always company in and out and the larger projects tend to be partially completed and before long its right where it was before I began to tackle it. Anyway, I'm rambling I suppose. I am really looking forward to his visit, although I believe the surgery will fall in the middle of it, but hoping that this will be a speedy recovery. You just never know, but surely it won't be any worse than what I've already been through. I'm still looking at properties, I just feel like the right one will come along one day, and I don't think I'm quite ready for the change in that direction yet. I have lots of "housecleaning" that needs to be done (meaning people and situations) - before I am willing to commit to a solid foundation again.

July

We got three more horses, I will get pictures this weekend and post. We took one in because she is only two years old, and a little thin, wormed her and we're hoping she'll spring back. We were able to turn the baby hens loose finally, and they are still confused but loving it all the same I guess. I have to guide them a little still to make sure they are figuring out the chicken coop - some don't have a clue and sleep out on the ground - which is WAY too dangerous, so the father in law and me went out and made make shift roosts for them between the cages they grew up in and so far its working. I haven't spent the time I need with our new puppy Duke. I say every morning when I feed and water him that I will come home and play with him, and it has yet to happen. He sure is a cutie pie though - and will be a HUGE dog. Training was going well, but really need to spend this weekend working with him one on one. The husband will be 49 Saturday and seems that he is on the 'outs' with most of his friends and family at the moment, so I will forgo the cookout I planned. We generally have visitors in and out most weekends, so I will just plan to cook in abundance and if it doesn't get eaten then we will have leftovers for a few days I suppose. (Less work for me in the long run). My dad will be here soon, maybe a week or two, and I'm really looking forward to that. He's going to see to it that my daughter's van has a new transmission, so now she can look forward to all three girls going to school this fall. That should be a load off for her, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she takes advantage of the additional time and gets a little bit more organized. I've been thinking of going back to picture blogging, and must get busy this weekend taking some new shots.

One Morning

One day at a time Shannon, that's all you can do As I watched the sunrise over the pasture this morning, I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Absorb this moment Shannon it is here only briefly Sipping my coffee I listened to birds gradually realizing it was time to eat and feed their young. You are here for a purpose whether you realize what that purpose is or not Soaking in the luke-warm bubble bath that was drawn for me I closed my eyes and allowed the fragrance to envelope me. Many lives have been touched by you, and many yet to come Looking out of the window watching the world go by, I realize how small my burdens are and know that I am fortunate to have my life as it is right now.

My Babies When They Were Babies

Be Careful What You Ask For

Got a phone call yesterday while on my lunch hour that floored me. Another from my past, the very one I was referring to in my last blog. Eerie feeling. But for the first time I think ever when dealing with this person I just spit it out, just asked the most blunt questions and I got the right answers. I knew the right answers, I just wanted to finally hear them from the source. So to answer myself in my last blog, be careful what you ask for, because you could actually get it. So learning - and willing to leave it behind now.

Leave the Past Or Learn From It ?

I went to a funeral today for an incredible woman. I have a past connection, a very close connection to her family, and it was strange to see them now, 7 years after the heartbreak and horrible mess we made. I tried my best to arrive unnoticed, and simply get out of the car, put on my suit jacket and slip into a back pew, but her daughter spotted me. Apparently she had to go back out to her truck for an item. She pulled me close and hugged me. Told me not to leave afterward because she really wanted to talk to me. When I managed to get inside the chapel I became overwhelmed with feelings, and shook so terribly that I clenched my purse just to steady my hands. Her granddaughter came to the back to greet me, then another, and a third. I told them it was good to see them too, and that sometime we'll visit, and that I was so sorry for their loss. I'm not understanding the sudden flood of emotion, and I can either write it off and ignore it, or I can find out what it is that needs to be dealt with and deal with it. I just need to remember how it was, and where it went wrong and understand why we did what we did.

End Of Week Sigh

Can't complain too much I suppose, its Friday finally and I can look forward to getting things done around the house at least. The husband and I stayed up half the night Wednesday night/Thursday morning discussing the kids, and their situations, and their choices, and our actions, or lack there of. Both of us woke at 5:30 am and worked all day. I came in last night and fixed supper, rinsed off our dishes, took a shower and went to bed - needless to say nothing got done. I will have the kids tomorrow night and I'd like to have everything finished so that I can enjoy them and actually play instead of rushing around everywhere. Still waiting for the word on when my surgery will be - I go Aug 5 for the final consultation and I have tried to get them to tell me the actual date so that I may plan for work and such, but they won't tell me until the consultation. Waiting is difficult, but glad to finally be able to have it done. My baby boy turned 19 today. Sounds so old.

Cooler, Slower, and Happier

This morning I got up earlier than usual and sat outside a while before time to get ready for work. There was a slight breeze blowing and the sky was overcast, making for a cool peaceful moment or two. I met my boss at the auto shop, left the keys to my car and rode in with him, this too was nice because I didn't have to worry about traffic. I am the only one at work today - most are on vacation and my boss had to go down to one of his farms to handle a problem, so its been a nice morning so far... I'm hoping it stays calm.

Works in Progress

Today I hired two boys to RE-fence the chicken pen so that I can let the hens out. I have them in four different cages, but because of predators, I have to have the fence re-run, and the guys got it done, so now just have to go around the perimeter with chicken wire/mesh. Was nice to have them anxious to work, needing cash, but they did a great job, and its finished basically. I can do the chicken wire myself. Will finally set them free to roam. I spent the morning driving through the countryside. Don't exactly know why - I headed out to the farmer's market for a bushel of corn, but all of the vendors only had sparse amounts left, so I just kept driving. When I got home, the boys had arrived and I came in and got a much needed nap. I haven't accomplished one single thing today - and I hear a bubble bath calling. Guess that's one thing I will accomplish. But - these days are rare, and I needed to chill out.

July 2010

New addition to our family.... Duke

Where I'm From

I'm from a place where Pledge on the hardwood floor made a great runway for sock-feet sliding contests ... From where the hedges around the house made great 'club houses' and hiding spots ... I am from short walks to Handy Mart for the 10 cent 7-UP Popsicles, and breaking them in half to share with sissy ... I am from giant 25 cent sodas from the machine in the parish hall after service each Sunday ... I'm from float trips on the Buffalo river with the church group ... From yellow meat watermelon with Mama and Papa Hutch ... I am from vacations at Grandmother and Granddaddy's and riding in the back of his pick up truck to his veterinary clinic to be a 'big helper' with the animals ... I am from floods and flooded ditches full of tadpoles, and the laundry room with green linoleum ... I am from freshly cut grass, perfect for 'grass houses' and "Watch out for the well, you may sink !" ... I am from fancy Christmas dresses and new housecoats ... From Grandmother's grasshopper pie and Mama Hutch's home made soup and butter beans...

Whirlwind

Finally back at work and ok. Apparently I over-did it with the amount of company, up to 11 at one night, meals, laundry, for 4 days staying with us, working full time, the funeral, keeping all four grand babies on the tail end of that - after everyone left Saturday morning the daughter called and they were going out of town supposedly - last minute, so I felt I needed to try to keep them. She picked them up Sunday around lunch time and she had no sooner left then I had another wave of people come by. We were off on Monday for the holiday but it was spent cleaning and resting - and I refused to host a cook out for the kids - much to their dismay. I have spent the last two days dizzy, nauseous, and although my stomach was empty after having rushed to the restroom and emptying it - I could not even keep water down. I left work yesterday morning so dizzy I wasn't sure if I'd make it home - but did, slept for an hour, came back to work and after work last night went straight in to bed. I think I slept 13 hours last night. I feel pretty good today. My biggest regret is not having been able to get to Adr, my best friend. She was RIGHT HERE. In from Atlanta for a funeral in her family... And again, I kick myself for putting everyone before me and not standing up for what I want, and now I'm too sick and run down to try to do anything productive. But some day I may learn.

Bumper of my SUV

Refresher

I was fortunate enough to make a whirlwind trip with my sister to southern Arkansas yesterday and visited with my Aunt and several cousins for the day. I surely needed the refresher and will try to make the trip more often.

I have a few photos of my weekend, of the girls, and outside time we finally had with the warm temperatures.

Changes, Protectors, Friends

For as long as I can remember - or for as long as I can still feel what it was like to hurt so deeply, it seems that I have constantly thrown up barriers around me in an attempt to divert the honesty of the pain.

It appears I was very good at it, and so many memories are gone, and so many situations that I know I survived with minimal scarring have not shown themselves to me until too late. I have buried many things down deep.

In prospective of the last two weeks, I have juggled back and forth my feelings and my surroundings and my past.

A situation has come up that demands attention. The oh so familiar pang of fear, the insecurity, the unknown. Yet what was once dissolved has resurfaced and I am VERY aware that everything in my life has happened for a purpose, and I feel that this situation too has a reason. I don't want to turn away from it, or be afraid, I want to be strong and live this through beginning to end, wherever that may lead me.

update

all have moved home.

A Rant

The day after my last post, I got up early, started on the floors in the dining room, great start to an awful day. Around 10, my daughter showed up in tears, kids bare foot, freezing temperatures outside, blood on her shirt - grabbed my husband and just bawled her eyes out. Yes, she and the son in law had gotten into another fight. My father in law was there, scooped up the youngest granddaughter and I got the baby, the two older girls went into the living room and parked in front of the television. 10 days later, they are still with me, all 5 of them. I'm having issues about the son in law naturally, but she has taken the kids to see him twice, picked him up from work a few times and this morning took him to work. He has been in Texas on an oil rig, so if she has left him for good, then why not allow the kids to be home, in their own beds for a week ? I'm confused, the cell phone has not left her ear since she arrived, she has been gone most nights, and I have been working all day and getting up with the sick ones at night, and my body finally gave out. I spent Saturday night until this morning in bed sick. I don't know what happened, she gets angry when I ask, but when I arrive home, she is either asleep or gone and my husband has the kids. I agreed to keep the kids while she works 10pm to 6am, but I feel that she should participate in feeding them, bathing them, getting them ready for bed, and at least giving me a little down time when I get home from the office. She must be out of sorts, I know I was when I got rid of my ex - but I think right about now there should be some very serious decisions made. We will continue to take care of the little ones, this is not their fault - and they must be cared for, but had to get this little rant off my chest.

So far on the new meds, I'm feeling lots more energy - I did all my weekend shopping after work, and have knocked out 1/4 of my plans for cleaning out and projects for this weekend. I should have the babies 4 nights next week, and my plan is to get this stuff done, cook all weekend, and enjoy my Sunday with the husband. In the back of my mind, I'm getting these long neglected projects done now so that I can spend some time in the garden this spring and not worry. My two largest feats were the "reading room"-- DONE -- and the other spare bedroom...its is almost done, just touch up paint and when we aren't sogged down with snow and rain we need to take out the gigantic dresser and burn it - its that old 1980's black lacquer that the husband inherited oh my gosh many years ago - the particle wood is disintegrating - fine with me - in my decorating mind - less is more - and these tiny rooms - I'm gonna be so glad to get it out - but the biggest projects in there are done, these are easy little things !!! I don't think I'll ever be finished redoing rooms - this old old old old house has so much potential - but we are only leasing, but until we are able to buy, I figure I may as well clean, repair and move on right ? Adr, I miss you too. I count on you, though I know we are SO busy - and SO involved in our worlds, always know I think of you all the time, and I so proud of you. I hope things in your world are ok - but I know your strength and I know your heart, and you will be fine.

Family

So issues have come up again about Granddaddy, he is living with mother, we have full time help there, but she is frazzled, trouble is, he isn't ready for the nursing home and I hate to see that happen when the state (that he and Grandmother spent their lives paying taxes in to) will get all of his holdings, savings, stocks and bonds... Nursing homes in this area range from 4000 a month to 4500 a month, and I am looking at it like if it takes 4500 a month for him to to be happy and be where he KNOWS he isn't in a nursing home, then so be it. So far, full time help is only 1400 a month, but mother is stressed out... My daughter showed up in tears, their water was shut off today - four kids, two adults. My husband gave them a water key to turn it on, I will pay the bill tomorrow because they don't get paid until Friday... My sister and I are working ourselves into high blood pressure - but we are definitely made of the same cloth, and we are gonna be ok - love her. Missing my Aunt Betty, sad that Uncle Jay is gone, but can't get away to be with her, and it breaks my heart. If we didn't know better we'd think I was her child. Work is keeping me at the very edge - but you know what - that is the profession I chose.... Loving life, loving family... keep going.

Our Snow

We measured over 6 1/2 inches ! It was beautiful

Peace and Beauty

We have almost 3 inches of snow already, and it is still falling. The red cardinals and blue birds colors seem stark against the blanket of white. I have home made chicken pot pie baking, the husband made it home, and we are in for the weekend. All tests and lab work came back showing marked improvement - YAY ! Loving the peace and beauty - inside and out.

Soldier

Yes you are a soldier. You always have been.... And one of love.

Good Days and Good Nights

My daughter's husband has another job on a drilling rig, meaning he is gone for days at a time. This is ok with us, at least the pay is good and that always helps. She took her FIRST job several months ago, working from ten at night to six in the morning, while the kids are sleeping and her husband was home to watch. Last night was the first night that he was gone, and she told me a week or so ago that she didn't want to quit her job because it made her feel good, and gave her her own money - but had asked her retired mother in law to spend the night twice a week at my daughter's house while the kids were sleeping...she said she would do it, for a price, so the husband and I agreed that she could bring them when she needed, having them fed most nights and in pj's so that we could all go directly to bed if needed. Last night went well, except the second dog that she has purchased, (the first is still here from when we babysat over the summer months while they moved and got settled)...anyway this dog is here, yapped all night, and she didn't take him with her this morning...so needless to say this little dog isn't happy with the outside arrangements we have set forth...no dogs in the house, not so at their place. I put her on the enclosed porch last night, which has plenty of room and is partially heated - although last night the temps only got down to the fifties. When I got up this morning to open the door for my daughter, an entire fifty lb sack of feed was shredded and everywhere !!!!!!! Not too nice to wake up to that, but the grandchildren sure were happy to wake up and realize they were still at Nanna and Pappa's house. Tonight they are home, as her husband is there and will keep the kids, and the husband is making crab legs and boiled shrimp.... Doesn't get much better than that !

To Write

I gathered my personal files while I was trying to avoid an uncomfortable conversation at work this afternoon, and began reading through trying to appear VERY busy and absorbed so that my view on the subject would not be asked. Whimpy you say ? Not so much, just exhausted and in this office, being female negates any knowledge you have anyway, just not worth it. I became intrigued - I re-read some of my writing from a few years ago, when I first began to grab a hold of myself and revisit Shannon again before she was completely gone, and I remember those surroundings very clearly. Silly I suppose, as I don't take the time I promised myself then, and now I have no excuses. So brace yourself - I may rant and wander and probably chew on the gristle a little bit but I WILL write again. I look back at those days, and realize that things ARE different around me, my stubbornness worked, and I need to spend a little more time appreciating where I am. Though it may not be where I intend to be for long, (thinking in a positive way - like finishing school, buying a home, those sorts of things), but I have made progress, and it has been progress in the right places, the important places. Again I have let my health go, and I cringe at the thought, knowing how precious life is and knowing so many that are ill, and its too late. I feel ashamed of this, and I have an appt with my Internal Medicine Specialist Thursday to get it all looked at again. It is no one's fault but my own, having no excuse other than taking time to take care of everyone else, just not me. So I will begin tonight, writing, thinking out loud, and probably venting.

These Days Are Rare

Days like today are rare, which makes me all the more thankful for them. Today our new dryer will be delivered thank goodness - I never would have dreamed I missed doing laundry. The husband is on call, and with the temperatures below zero, many water customers are freezing up, so up again today at the crack of dawn to the sound of pagers, cell phones, the home phone going off... I took him to work this morning so that he could drive the company truck home once he completes his duty, and once home I looked around sort of lost. The grand kids will be here tonight, though I told their mother to wait until after Sears leaves as I can't very well round them up with the excitement of delivery men in the kitchen, I can hear it now, "What do you do that for ? Why ? Where's your home ? Do you have a puppy ? Why are you doing that ? Do you have a house ?".... I got the kitchen cleaned, the floors mopped, meat out to thaw for dinner, the dog, chickens and horses fed, and now I'm in the computer room by the tall window, watching the little birds and chickens wander and peck. These simple but wonderful days are rare - but I cherish them.

Today I struggle with the young ones.

Over the holidays, yes I deleted his exwife from Facebook and Multiply as I said I intended, but ended up opening my home to her and his children. Unusual and a little uncomfortable, but I figured it was not about me - or her, it was about the holy holiday and actually once they all arrived, there was so much laughter - more than I've heard around this old house in many years.

That was easy - (this is the evening, she is sitting at the table, kids were there too).

Its the weeks since, the kids are all back home, continuing their lives as they choose. We've only had 4 emergency phone calls since the holidays. One from Steve's oldest son, one from my daughter, one from his youngest son, and one from his daughter. Though we have spent most of our marriage trying to help and have nearly gone broke twice, and have put or foot down as to what is acceptable to us and what will not be tolerated, they seem to continue to live their lives in the same manner, and feel that it is necessary to call when their world becomes uncomfortable.

There is one, who has always had their way - from childhood - moved back and forth from parent to parent when things got uncomfortable, who has become a grown adult and found a wonderful life partner, yet the partner won't bend to the whims and that makes things pretty miserable for this one. But wouldn't listen when we tried to explain the real world is tough, but you gotta keep on keeping on.

There is one, who from the begining has done their best to prove what an awful parent I have been, yet has children of their own that I am continually rescuing from abusive situations, even when this has meant crossing several state lines to execute this rescue. Thankfully they live nearby now, and things were better for a season, but not better now, and at this point we are exhausted and feel we have no other choice except protect the little ones and pray that some day things will be better, or the situation will be permanantly abandoned.

There is one, who has told such visious lies and storied, in order to gain favor of one parent, only to grow a few years and wish they could take it all back. One who now that is old enough to remember the way things really happened in early childhood, and old enough to see things for what they really are/were has determined that now things aren't what were perceived and has come to some distorted reality that after all of the lies when things aren't nice on the home front one call to us and they will be welcomed with open arms, which we have come to learn has been yet another tool used by the other parent to threaten and manipulate with, therefore, we wish to have no part of it - but can not seem to convince anyone involved of this.

There is one, whom I have poured my heart and soul to - many hours of direction and instruction, chose to continue on the path of their hard made road, and now is crying "Whoa is me what have I done to deserve this". Well, poor baby.

I did not open my home nor have I ever opened my home because I expected great rewards for my goodness. I put myself aside, my wounds still wet from the daggers that have pierced my heart from so many so close. I opened my heart and my home because that is at the time the most unselfish thing that I could have possibly done, and this.... after we as a married unit had already confirmed that we WOULD take time for us, yet have been once again preoccupied with others' needs.

I see I am at fault for allowing this, but really am I ? What is right ? What can I live with ? We have said no, we have turned them away, but they have no one left do they ?

Then I realize how real life is. I learned last night that not only was my son thrown through a windshield because of a 60mph head on collision, he was also sling shot through the black glass of the Yukon. The detectives told me they thought he was dead when they arrived on the scene. Yet I watch him take each day for granted and I get SO angry at him. And I can't help but get right in the middle and involved - yet am upset with myself afterward because he is an adult now, and there just is very little that I can do anymore.

I suppose I went all over the place with this one - so Adri, its ok if you are all over the place when you write. Just write.

Some Photos From Christmas

My little sweetie grandson Benjamin

Me and my sweetie Benjamin

Pappa and Benjamin

Farrah and Benjamin

Macenzie and Alstin

Steve's son Keith and daughter Paige (above)

Thomas, Alstin and Kara (above)

Alstin in his new suit (above)

WE GOT SNOW for Christmas

Steve's daughter Paige and my son Bryton (above)

Random shots of everyone