Bryton made this cross and inscribed it too, and hung Blaze's collar on it. We plan to make a larger, more secure cross but he had to do this for the time being. I catch him once in awhile when he visits Steve's sitting out here, talking to Blaze. Truthfully, other than me, Blaze was the one true constant in his little young life.
I spent my time, and decided to check back in on the girls.
Aren't they sweet ? Waiting on Nanna to come back - yet giving me my space also. They are such good girls.
I took a few moments to breathe this morning, just after the sun came up, outside, listening to the animals. Our goats have made a way under that fence to the chickens, and vise verse.So far, they mingle ok. It is still new though.
I look at my current situation, having tried to blend two very different families, and knowing that in the beginning everyone was happy, glad for this to take place, but soon after the war was on. Most of my personal conflict over the past few years has been my need for peace, for everyone around me and those I come in contact with. Big dreams right ? Constantly dealing with and put in the middle of conflicts that were more often than not over issues that I had no part of in the past lives of those I was trying to live with. Looking back, we always know that we would have handled situations differently and we loose time suffering over circumstances that we can't go back and correct.
I wondered about the animals, and just how long will take before the goats try to dominate the chicken's area, and how many of the chickens will discover that they prefer the lush green pasture rather than their dirt floor area with grain and pellets scattered around. I watched Pooh lunge and pull as tightly as he could at his rope, trying to get to the kittens that have meandered to the yard area from the old barn. And of course, Macenzie runs out and wants to pick each and every animal up by the tail and squeeze it as hard as she can, regardless of any danger in harming the critter, or causing it to retaliate on her, so my quiet moments were spent. As goes the immediate world around me these days. Focus all I want - there are too many distractions and emergencies to accomplish anything right now.
Have you ever had a friend that knew you so well, that without saying a word could know exactly how you feel ? To know before you even complete your thought that you are troubled and somehow knows exactly the right thing to say - and simply by saying it - you are brought to tears ?
Other than my father and sister, there has only been one other that has ever been able to reach me in this manner. And sometimes all it takes is a simple word and the tears gush.
I want to be as dear a friend also. Once I make it through this rough spot in my life, and I am allowed to rest, I hope to give back what has been given to me.
Thank you for listening and not judging, caring and not persecuting.
Knowing the difference.
Having been there, and knowing what is right and what is wrong. Having no doubt. Without fail, each decision, each step forward is correct, lacking even a shred of uncertainty. THAT IS WHERE MY BALANCE CAME FROM.
Watching myself slowly crumble, grasping for something to hold on to, I discover there is no longer so much as a branch to break my fall. The longer I allow myself to deteriorate the more difficult it will be to repair the damage.
When I took my granddaughter to the marina this weekend, I had an overwhelming feeling of what I can only describe as euphoria as I stepped around to the back boat launch.
I have spent many hours as a child and young adult on the water. There was a period of about 3 years that every evening we went out on the boat after work and fished until dark or simply enjoyed the water and the nature surrounding it. My old feelings came flooding back to me and remembering when I was told over and over, "People all my life had said they just don't have time to get out on the water, you never have time Shannon, you just go get in the truck, pull the boat to the water and do it."
I have recently complained about my situation at home, my marriage, my financial circumstances, but have actually done very little to change any of it. Looking back, I created where I was, who I was and what my future was going to hold back in those days, and it is only me that can change this.
I am watching seasons change in regards to my two children. A son who is at the 'jumping off place' for his future, and my daughter who has begun to turn into a very mature young adult, suffering and conquering and raising her daughters as best she knows how. After all, that is what I did, and even with all of the frustration she caused - she's finally getting it.
Seeing my father age, gracefully, and watching his face as I noticed he was watching me deal with the domestic situation I am currently dealing with...rescuing me to the marching contest...pulling me aside Friday night and saying, "You aren't cooking for this brood all weekend, lets go eat"...and bringing my laundry from the house I'm renting across town to me - when I asked him to please bring HIS laundry over and I would take care of it. He knows what I am faced with, and as I write, tears are welling up in my eyes...he knows. We talked. He knows I have been looking at rental property in central Texas...and he understands that I am faced with issues far greater then housing...having lost two beautiful homes that were new, both designed by me...and looking at the house I'm in now....and understands that this is what I HAVE to do right now.
The river. My journey.
I know it isn't so much the destination - as the journey itself.....and my points of making time have to be realized.
"You are the strongest woman I've ever met....do something about it...stop complaining about it..." I dish out this advice too that I received during that time in my life also....I just never follow it.
Actually, Little Rock's farmer's market is pretty tempting...hmmm, better not.
Memories of our marching bands in Texas came flooding back. I was in an elite corp, 350+ in the marching corp alone, and we traveled extensively competing. I loved it.
Dad remembers too, the long trips, the frantic stops at the dry cleaners to pick up my uniforms, the trek back to the house because I forgot a tassel for my shoulder patch, or the buckle to the fuzzy hat I wore.
He is talking to the girls on the phone. We thought they would be down, but Anita said they can't make it. I miss these days with him. We have spent hours before talking outside at the end of the day. Unfortunately it has been many years now of phone conversations, rather than one on one.
We used to go for long rides when I needed to talk. We used to go to town to eat, just to get out of the house. Sometimes we would just sit silently, and that was enough.
Just as the goat family we are raising, life continues to change. Our babies are becoming parents, beginning their own family. Their roles are changing.
But, depending on how you look at it, it is sad to grow up and learn that you aren't able to lean on your father anymore...in certain circumstances...that being an adult, a parent, a grandparent, a wife and all of the other hats women wear, comes at a price. It too can be a happy time, developing your adult relationship with your parents, and you are communicating on a different level. Some days are good, some days are bad.
With all of my sadness this week, I've not been able to enjoy either side of my relationship with my father. I can't find the time to talk to him about the things I need to talk to him about. Deep things that have festered and come up in recent months. I have many responsibilities each evening and can't get through them until I'm so tired that I can't think straight.
I miss him, I suppose I will always miss him.
I would like to try a photo blog. I hate to think that I am copying off of my brother in law, who has always taken pictures of the town we live in, and has a page specifically set up for these photos, but I want to capture the small details of my surroundings. Maybe to show those who are interested in looking, the way I see things.
So Andy, I'm not copying off of you (although I AM borrowing some of your photos), I am going to try to take time for ME, and see what I can find.
Hope you like.
Rest in peace my love. You were there to guard me, love me, comfort me, and make me laugh when everything crumbled around me.
You were the most loyal friend I think I have ever had in my life.
Wait for me, in Heaven, and watch over those I love whom will greet you when you arrive.
Rest in peace my love.
Dad called last night and said he'd be here on Sunday afternoon. I believe he'll be here for most of the week, although I will have to work all week, I hope to get some sort of visit time in with him. I don't think the kids are coming, "HE" will be working also, and won't let her stay with me and dad and leave him by himself. Who knows, maybe I can get Dad to run me up to Tulsa one day and we'll spend the day with them.
I will go at noon today up north of Alma to an outlet complex and get a HUGE flower pot for my plant. I have had this thing since Bryton was a baby, and somehow it has survived all this time. I saw one the other day that is really really tall, and realized that mine too should be really large - except the pot holding it is probably all roots, and no where to grow. Will try this and see what happens. Dad brought up a twig of a plant a year ago, from his olest sister's house, the Hearts on a String plant. That too, I will re-pot and hope it gets really big.
I have to line everyone out also, about the messy house, as I will let Dad stay at the house on 28th Street if he wants, but I will probably do most of my visiting up north, therefore, they WILL help me clean.
Yesterday the neighbor's son (Josh) came over and said "Shannon, did you now there are kittens in the barn ?"
"Well no - how'd you find them ? Will they let you pet them ?"
We treked through the tall weeds at the edge of the junk pile, and there they were. 5 beautiful kittens. One looks like a siamese, blond with dark brown ears and tail and bright blue eyes, one is gray with white feet and white chest and brown eyes, and two blond and orange stripes, and a solid black. CUTE CUTE CUTE !! (So I'm going to keep feeding them, maybe they'll grow up in the barn and the dogs won't eat them) At least they will help with the mouse population, and I don't have to let them in the house.
Sort of looking forward to my drive at noon. Who knows, I may stop on the way and snap a few pictures !!
17 years ago today, I had a very unexpected surprise. I was barely 7 months pregnant with my 2nd child, when forces of nature indicated that it was time for me to rush to the emergency room. Certain they would send me home, I didn't call anyone. 4 hours later, Mr. Bryton arrived in this world. Tiny, premature, but here.
And oh my goodness, has he ever let his presence be known from that day forward.
His first years, by the age of 1, everything was a ball to him. I noticed it first with the Christmas ornaments, then potatoes, and my all time favorite eggs. Oh yes. Oh -- charcoal briquettes too. And what an arm he had.
I don't remember a day that he ever sat still. He constantly had me frantic over injuries, countless trips to the emergency room, many days where his grandmother (who sat for me) would not even take him out in public for fear of being accused of abusing him, you know, goose egg on the forehead, black eye, skinned knees, and at one point as one eye was healing, he crawled under my dining room table, (yes, to fetch his ball), and blacked the other one, two black eyes and barely 12 months old. They knew him by sight at the hospital. This child.
Then the bicycle tricks, ramps, airborne.
Football, baseball, basketball, golf, rollerblades, fishing and boating were all of his favorite past times. He was never still. Having raised my children alone, this beautiful child gave me a run for the money. The spankings were worth it to him, he would do exactly what I told him not to, knowing he would be spanked, but it was just flat worth doing.
Then paintball, hunting and skateboarding came into play and he's still moving right along.
The picture above was taken this weekend in Fayetteville at the skate park. They cut off his head - but at least he didn't break his neck.
Happy Birthday Son - I love you.
Dad is supposed to be up this way next week. I have been emailing him for about two weeks, but I think I remember he said he'd stay at the farm first, since Toni and the kids are out of town.
I just hope I have enough extra cash to sent to my oldest and her girls so they can get here. I think its been over a year since he has seen Jeidyn, and I know its been two years since he has seen Macenzie. This also, creates the situation of his visit landing during the work week, and I do not think her "significant other" will let her stay with me while he's working - but keeping my fingers crossed.
I am watching the clock until time to leave this afternoon, not that I'm excited to go home, but I have gone two nights with little to no sleep, and although I am exhausted, I can't get rest. I think I have too many irons in the fire, and too much aggravation at home front right now. You know, like an itch that you can't scratch ?
At least the sun is shining, and hopefully I won't have to run errands after work, I can go right home. And cook, and clean, and do laundry, and dust, and so forth. Yippee.
1.5 lbs ground beef
1 cup onion diced
1 small jar Ragu Pizza Sauce (Traditional)
2 packages Martha White Crispy Pizza Crust
1 tablespoon oil
(Optional one small bag Mozzarella shredded cheese)
Preheat oven to 475.
Grease 9x11 pan
Brown ground beef with 1/2 cup of onion, drain, set aside.
Follow directions for pizza crust, bake for 5 minutes on lower rack. Remove, layer remaining ingredients, back appx 8 - 10 minutes, or until crust is finished.
(We added green and red bell pepper to the top - and mozzarella cheese, but the school didn't)
(Also, I used a glass dish so I could watch the crust)
I haven't written my dreams down like I was told to - no time, then I forget them. But this one from all night last night over and over - (never really slept sound, but each time I fell back asleep I was right where I left off in the dream.).....anyway -
Same two story house, one that I've never been inside. I can tell you every single detail of the staircase, the windows around two sides of the large living area, where the furniture was placed, even down to the rug on the floor that covers the hardwood. The kitchen, the alcove's, the balcony looking over the living area...
I remember talking to my sister and her husband, commenting on how this has always been my favorite house and I was so proud that they were able to move into it. This was odd, because in my dreams before it was my house, yet I had not moved in yet.
Then some carpenters came through the patio door with new rustic unfinished cabinets and drawers and left them in the foyer. My sister said, I hope this is what you ordered..When I told her that I didn't understand, she said yes you do, this is what you originally picked out remember ?
Somehow, the next thing I remember is picking up the cabinets and setting them in the kitchen over in the corner, knowing that I will end up being the one to put them together - and it will probably not happen for a long long long time.
But then I was shopping for bar stools, with gold and black covered cushions, trying to decide on stainless steel backs or brass backs ?? Somehow, I was the one finally moving into this house.
Then I was back at the house, at the top of the staircase, and tons of little children were bounding up the stairs, and I decided to be very still - and just wait until they reached their destination - because I WILL fall..
I don't know why I keep going back to this place...I haven't ever seen it in real life. I don't understand.
Not much news - nothing exciting happened, which these days is good news.
I creamed a bushel of corn yesterday and put it up. I can't wait to eat it!! Tonight I made home made pizza, and it was good. I'm trying to remember the taste of the pizza they served at the grade school we attended..we call it City Heights Pizza, and I have almost figured it out.
I also made stuffed mushrooms, but normally they go through them like hot cakes, and tonight they sit in the dish, barely touched. More for me.
Mother is out of town with Toni and her kids this weekend. I hope they have a safe trip. We are making plans to move Granddaddy up here, to mother's house. I am so happy about that. I will have to recruit help next weekend, drive down, rent a U-HAUL and empty his storage building out.
Looking forward to the work week actually, and getting back to the grind of things.
3 lbs chicken breast
1 can Cream of Chicken Soup
1 can Cream of Mushroom Soup
1 can Veg-all
1 small onion chopped
1 box of Pillsbury Ready Pie Crust (It has two crusts rolled up inside)
Preheat oven according to pie crust instructions
Boil chicken with onion. Shred or chunk chicken and set aside
Combine soups and Veg-All in a bowl, then fold in your chicken. Spray pie pan with non-stick spray, and lay your 1st pie crust in pan. Fill with chicken mixture. Cover with remaining pie crust, seal edges, cut 4 slots in center of crust. Bake according to pie crust instructions. This should serve 4 - 5 people.
I am finally coming down from that awful, nerve-racking mess that occurred this week. I feel less tattered, less bruised than before, and maybe a bit more wise.
That battle was not mine to fight. I should have stayed on my side of the line that was drawn in the sand, and I may have destroyed a relationship with someone whom I care deeply about. It just was not worth it.
I have bragged often of how thankful I am to have the position I do in this sliver of time in all of our lives. I get the easy part, so far.
I say that I am moving on, I say that I am through, knowing full well that I can not stop caring, will not become as cold as ice, and will take one moment at a time. Even though I will probably set myself up for many more bumps in the road, I will allow my heart to feel, and to care, and to lead.
1 small tub of Philadelphia Cream Cheese (8 oz)
1 pkg bacon cooked and crumbled (10 oz)
1 bundle fresh green onion chopped (appx 5 or 6 stalks)
2 small tubs shitake mushrooms, (remove the stems)
Preheat oven to 300. Remove all bacon grease from skillet except enough to cover the bottom. Sautee onions until clear, and add cream cheese to skillet until all is melted. Fold in bacon pieces.
Place mushroom caps upside down on cookie sheet. Fill each with mixture.
Bake just long enough for the mixture to set, appx 25 minutes.
(Some have added parmesan cheese on top, I prefer not to)
What trees are left after the recent round of storms provide comfort and coolness to all of us...even the martins that were swarming this morning and nearly flew into me as I stepped off the back step.
I am terribly guilty of giving too much, caring too much, and trying to comfort too much. Is it really a fault ? I get in stormy situations, hence, my near mental episodes and breakdowns, but generally I have been careful to watch all around me. I have tried to be strong and cold and keep everyone out.
The better part of my younger life I kept everything in, worked hard to provide for my little family, and never paid attention to who I was or what I ultimately wanted, and the world has whizzed by.
I have tried recently to take baby steps on this journey to find my true self. I have spent hours reading and hours writing, and many more hours sitting silently not speaking to anyone, just thinking. This, you see, is a rare blessing, it seems my family is unable to function without my taking complete care of everything from A to Z, even the piddly things. I am not exaggerating either. Being mother and father for so many years has left its mark on me, and them.
I thought things were getting back to normal, if there is such a thing, and have gradually tried to work my way back to focusing on my marriage, my family, my grandchildren, and although I am ready to move forward, there is something sticky about the familiarity of it all. I can't quite put my finger on it. Something just isn't comfortable. So I don't move yet.
I may take a bit longer living one moment at a time, I seem to find more peace this way.
On the front page of our local newspaper, The Press Argus Courier, the is an article about my brother-in-law having a book signing this weekend.
Please read : http://pressargus.com/
He truly is a living miracle.
Congratulations Andy.
I talk real big about being strong, having conquered many obstacles and come out with bumps, scratches, scars, holes in my heart, but I made it. Alone. No husband - two kids, broken family, mortgage, yadda yadda yadda...
I have always known that my weakest link is my heart. To heck with logic - to heck with learning from past experiences. Until the walls come tumbling down - I seem to be as stupid as before...and the best part is - my weakness has become a lure to those who wish to slam me personally and slam my character, and I dang did it again...I fell for it.
I have never learned how to be evil, despite what people may think. I do not spend my idle time plotting destruction, I have very little idle time these days - well, I have never had idle time come to think of it.
But I fell for it again....Do it to me once, shame on you --- do it to me twice, shame on me.
And now you know. I am not strong. I am not brave. Apparently I wear my feelings outside - I am very tired, both mentally and physically, and I sit in this stupor kicking myself for allowing myself to be sucked in again. I guess I'll never learn. I guess I'll never figure out how to just stay out of it, because even when I see it coming, even when I'm careful to stay once removed - I get what everyone has been warning me about. So I suppose I deserve it.
Next time I'll listen to Mother and Toni. They told me to stay away and not to fall for it again - this is why I left in the first place....I'll never learn.
Did you ever have one of those days that your clothes looked great at home, put them on, matching shoes, make-up to match, hair worked for once. Although very sleepy you feel that the day won't be all bad...
Only to get to work and see that your lipstick is turning orange, your shirt is pink and your capri pants are MELON - not at all what you thought.
Oh well - I'm here now, I'm staying. They'll get over it. I work with men only - thank goodness most of them seem to be color blind by gender !!!
5 lbs medium size yellow squash
2 eggs beaten
1 cup bread crumbs
2 tablespoons chopped union (I prefer 3 tablespoons)
1 stick butter or margarine, softened
1/4 cup sugar -- (I prefer 1/2 cup)
Salt to taste
Non stick vegetable spray
Additional bread crumbs for topping.
Trim squash and cut into large pieces. Drop squash into large saucepan with enough boiling water to cover. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and cook until just tender. Drain and mash.
In a large mixing bowl, combine squash with eggs, bread crumbs, onion, butter, sugar and salt and pepper.
Spray a 3 quart casserole dish with non stick spray, and turn squash into the dish.
Cover with a light layer of bread crumbs.
Bake at 350 until lightly browned.
(I use a little more bread crumbs, and a little more sugar and onion, but after you've made it once, you'll know what variation you prefer)
We had a new baby chick this morning. We are incubating the rest of the eggs, so hopefully we'll get more !
Today wasn't all good though. I had to SNOOP and I read some things that have really hurt my feelings. Course, I snooped, and it is my fault.
I guess all is ok and maybe tomorrow I'll get to the garden and get my Avon orders out for the customers. Probably looking at bedtime soon too.
Macenzie, my loving loving granddaughter.
I can't wait to squeeze her and kiss her and hold her this weekend.
She is a rounder ! The last time she came, she loved on all of the animals, (literally), tried her little best to feed them all, played in the dirt, tickled us while we weeded the garden, and rode the shetland pony. Head to toe filthy, and apparently threw one of her flip flops out the window on the Turnpike, but she loves to shop with her Nanna, so it worked out great.
Jeidyn, my oldest granddaughter. My sidekick, my special girl, my bundle of emotions.
On her last visit, we shopped, did our nails, put on make up, snuck out of the house before anyone got up and went for a drive. She sang songs to me in the car the better part of the day. She's like me, quiet, doesn't like loud noises, loud music, or conflict.
She looks out for everyone, and tries so hard to be the big girl. She helps her mother with the two younger sisters.
And Farrah. The little chubby bundle of joy ! Trying her best to keep up with her older sisters, yet learning to be her own little independent self !
She is walking now, but would much rather be held. She too played in the dirt, but I believe she ate more than she built with.
She loves to hug and her eyes light up when she smiles. She is precious.
Hopefully the girls will come in this weekend and I can play. I miss them terribly when they go home.
I must admit, since Monday, the first day of MY GOAL of getting healthy, losing weight, getting my body back in proper order, my diet has largely consisted of fruit in the morning, salads with grilled chicken at lunch - (Only vinaigrette dressings), and either a veggie at night or a piece of grilled meat with a veggie...and TONS of water and un sweet tea.
It is probably too soon to tell, and I will not weigh until Saturday, but I feel better already. I am not exhausted in the afternoon like before - and I generally get busy in the evenings - only to look up and its already after 8 pm. My bedtime (on good days) is 10pm, but I seem to be going strong this week.
I'm going to try and make it through the holiday being good, and only partaking in the GOOD stuff!
Not real sure where this will go - but I will get it out and get it over with. After all, that is why I'm here - searching, learning, absorbing, taking in deep breaths.
As anyone who knows me will tell you, my upbringing was not typical. I was taught to love your neighbor - regardless of color, creed, religion,and so forth, for this was the human race, we all are children of God and should be treated as such. Yet I have paid ten fold most of my adult life by many (living in the south) for living my life by this doctrine or belief or whatever you call it.
I never planted roots, never really had anywhere that I could call 'home' as most people do. I moved A LOT. I learned A LOT. I made MANY mistakes and I tried many times to combat forces that were too strong and too massive for me to even attempt, and I got knocked down more often than prevailing. I will admit here and now, that I have even had episodes of mental instability and a very close call with a nervous breakdown at a VERY young age.
I had my children very young. Too young. I raised them alone, working in the corporate jungle, climbing ladders and building a financial future of security and comfort. I entered a relationship with the man of my dreams, my best friend, my partner, my future, and it too after nearly 7 years, two troubled teens, MANY court appearances, and life itself, I severed all ties...and began again.
I put this out there, because circumstances in this past year have brought me to a crossroads again in my life. A very BIG one.
Being first and most importantly a mother, I have neglected to ever pay attention to what I want, which is not uncommon to any loving mother out there, but I believe that the time has come in my life to determine what is best for Shannon, figure out what Shannon wants, and take steps to make it happen for Shannon.
Nearly three years ago, I married for friendship, companionship, and above all love.
I have learned of situations in my husband's past that were incomprehensible, unforgivable, and even in the eye of the law - criminal. I feel at this crossroad, knowledge is power. My youngest is nearly grown and on his own, and believe me, should I ever be even the slightest bit threatened, my little athlete will overpower this aging husband of mine...as a matter of fact, one year ago this week my husband raised his voice at me, frustrated about a story that had been made up by one of the young people, and was thrown right at us, and my son stood toe to toe and let him know how unnecessary it was that he take that tone. Period.And right now I feel ridiculous defending my decision to marry him.
It should be out there also, that my reason for separating from him had much to do with issues in the past, but issues that were not being dealt with. Issues that to this day aren't being dealt with. To be such a 'Neanderthal' - which don't get me wrong, describes him to a "T" - somehow he has never learned to say NO to these young ones. And it infuriates me. Many times, I've suggested growing a backbone, put your foot down....and these aren't unrealistic requests. But they aren't uncommon in marriage either.
I admit, I am a submissive. I always have been. Oh, my mother and sister tell me all the time that they do not know how on earth I handle everything, how I remain so strong, how in the world do I keep up with everything and still keep going and take care of everyone on top of it. But I am not that strong inside. I do what I have to do to maintain life. Many people depend on me...drivers and their families for their financial security, my boss for his business and contract purposes, our buyers for their contract purchases and my broker for his paycheck...my son for his everyday needs, my mother, my sister, my daughter, granddaughters, and countless young people that pull me in all directions. Truthfully, the husband gets what is left over, with the hope that when everyone grows up and gets their crap together, without the drama and nonsense and games, that we will have time alone, to grow old together. I can't count how many times I have told him I wish that we were already old, and retired, and finished...and maybe this is a cop-out. I get tired too.
Anytime that one marries into a family with children from a previous marriage, I suppose there are difficult times. I am thankful that my stepchildren have a wonderful mother, who above all only wants what is good and right for the children, and takes care of everything. My husband and I are not asked to jump on a whim when there is a problem, truthfully, we would not even know if there WERE a squabble or a peep...and for that I am truly grateful. Most importantly, I am not expected to be a "mother figure" to them. I have too much on my plate as it is, and quite frankly I do not volunteer for this job. I am their father's wife. They can like it or not. I didn't ask their opinion before I made MY decision, because it was my decision not anyone else's. They may like it, they may hate it, but rest assured, it will not be a factor in my choosing to work things out or end the marriage. I will always be kind to them as is deserved and look out for them when they are in my care, as any mother would do for anyone's child left in her care. But I'm afraid that is where I draw the line. Maybe when everyone is grown up and have become adults, we can develop a friendship. This is positive point number ONE.
Number TWO has to be the fact that I am capable of managing on my own, and I am not afraid of it, having overcome so much and were I afraid or nervous I would take steps to correct my position and do whatever has to be done to resolve the issue. I can stand alone, I've done it nearly all of my life. Kids in tow and all.
Number THREE, is the fact that there is a whole big future out there, wide open to whatever I decide to make of it.
That is where I am today. And all of their issues, problems, day to day life is quite irrelevant to me today, as I am working on Shannon right now. Not the kids, not the husband or the mother in law or the siblings. Simply Shannon. I am only living one day at a time right now. Someday, the whitewash that has blanketed past experiences and lives of many will be stripped and made clean. And no matter how painful the process, I believe that to get where I need to be, to make the decisions I need to make, I think I have to go there. My crossroad isn't an easy one. I am trying to live with eyes wide open, and follow the advice of a friend to take it easy and watch it all unfold. Hell...its my life.
Left to right Farrah, John, Jeidyn, James (back), Katherine, Hannah, and Macenzie. 
