Little Moments (3)

Fiery facets of blue

encased in gold

the secret gift

that wasn't kept secret.

The phone call

just before he

boarded the plane

to say "I love you".

The flowers that

were delivered

while I was away

for lunch.

The nightly

"room check"

to make sure

I'm safe and OK.

The flutter of my heart

at the scent

of his pipe

tobacco.

The angelic face

silhouetted by

the night lamp

as she sleeps.

The smell of

freshly cut grass

with just a hint

of wild onion.

The last squirrel

scampering

for home

just before dusk.

Circles

I have been out of town since Friday night, and not having made it home until nearly midnight last night has caused me to be a bit out

sorts this morning. The events of this weekend have left me feeling a tiny bit unbalanced.

I lived a kaleidoscope of emotions. I possibly shed some light on those dark shadows I have been wondering about. I believe the darkest is actually death.

Granddaddy pulled through the surgery fine. Mother and I packed all of his belongings, loaded both vehicles, spent several hours talking, and made plans for the move. I took a tour of his new retirement condominium in Conway and am very relieved. Mother will go back in the morning and meet the moving company.

Daddy called while I was cleaning his apartment, and will be home tomorrow night. This is where I realized my source of fear - this conversation. He'll have the 14 hour flight back from Germany. Still he isn't in Iraq anymore, but I have an intense fear of losing him.

This evening I will un-crate all of the books from Granddaddy's office. Some I absolutely can not wait to get home and read. It was a very difficult feat this weekend to pack them without browsing too much or spending too much time on them. I have all night.

I was a bit apprehensive to walk through the door last night after being gone all weekend with a teenager coming and going, but all was clean and in its place. It has been such a relief lately to come home to everything in order.

I suppose this weekend mother was the one reflecting. I was contemplating more possibilities of peace. With eyes wide open and my heart finally resting and warm, I conclude that I made a very productive weekend all in all. Emotionally and physically. This is a good feeling.

Dark Shadows

My dark shadows must be dealt with. I have never understood them, and other than knowing they have a hold on me and cause an overwhelming fear consume me, I can not pinpoint their origin.

The darkest shadows are not tangible, I do not know where they lay in wait. I feel them subconsciously creeping around my nerves, anxiously waiting to spring up on me. I know what triggers their arrival but am powerless to stop them. I do not even know what they are.

Some shadows aren't so dark, just gray and foggy. They don't spring on me without warning, they linger around. I am able to suppress these fears.

I am ready to face these shadows, deal with them, dissect their souls. I've allowed them far too much control for far too long.

Seasons

Events happened in my youth, that were either shielded from me or I chose to look the other way. Regardless, the result was that my illusion of security and stability were ripped from my soul. The very foundation of what I perceived to be right and wrong were taken away from me and was never really returned.

In these weeks of reflecting on past seasons, and pondering seasons yet to come, I found myself reaching for an unobtainable answer. No individual is ever going to give me the answers that can only be asked of myself. I don't regret my youth, or its experiences, for they together are what has made me who I am.

We all live in a very screwed up world. Each of us have trials that we must face, and each of us may very well have to dig deep inside to feel our surroundings, live our moments, and understand our circumstances before we can begin to truly live.

In my young adulthood, I worked my way through a large corporation to an upper management level, with two small children and made a good life for us. Being a single mother with a mortgage, utilities, car payments and putting food on the table was a very difficult struggle for almost a decade. I became very independent but never looked back. I have many regrets, especially for not taking time to enjoy my family and children. I had no one to lean on, and these precious angels from heaven were depending on me for every aspect of their lives. But I have let go of much regret simply because at the time I did what I had to do. Just when I came to a point in my life where I was able to relax a little, another failed relationship happened and once again my security was robbed. This time, I was left very weak and exposed.

It took several years before I felt like I could ever trust again. At least I thought I could trust again.

I look at very contrasting possibilities for the future seasons. Knowing full well that my healing must be complete before I can take another step. I have looked at all of the ugly, and focused on insecurity all of my life. I have refused to let people in. I have refused to look at the positive.

There are moments every day that I should cherish. There were moments in past seasons that I should have lived and absorbed fully. I have let circumstances and situations and fear dictate my actions and reactions rather than look at and truly seeing things for what they really are.

I am stronger than I give myself credit for. People have told me this all of my life but I have never believed it. I am not the pitiful child I left behind.

I have triumphed before, and will again. I have many seasons yet to live.

Little Moments (2)

The flowers that were replaced

once they wilted,

And will be again when these

have died.

The new sweater and boots

that were purchased

but never requested,

amazingly the correct size.

The surprise of walking into

a clean house

after a stressful day

at work.

The first sip of coffee

in the morning

with just the right amount

of cream and sugar.

The sweet kisses of my

granddaughters at bedtime,

and when we get up in the

morning.

Little Moments (1)

Mother and I have decided to spend the weekend in Greenbrier. The moving company will be there Monday to load Granddaddy's things but will not move anything that isn't already in boxes. This will likely be the last move for him, which is sad, but is also a relief and he is so excited that all seems well. The horrible part comes when we go back to get the car from him. I do not look forward to that one. He is such an independent soul, but it has come to the point of danger, having learned that he was involved in a car accident and didn't remember any of it. I spent most of the afternoon yesterday resting. The house was clean when I got home, and again it was completely empty. I sat on the deck for a while and watched the squirrels and cardinals flit around and feed, with as much energy as the boys did a few days ago when we had our first sunny warm day. I told mother that I would probably run the vacuum through Bryton's room but was pleasantly surprised that it was completely spotless. He had even emptied his wastebasket and dusted his entertainment center. I was proud. This is not a difficult task, but an amazing one for this child. He is getting older I suppose, and thankfully more aware of his surroundings. Such the little protector. He HATES it when I call him little. He is far from it. Last night he came into my room after I had fallen asleep and woke me up. "Mom, you really should close your window shouldn't you ?" He was home all night but I think he was making sure I was still safe. I drank my coffee this morning out on the deck too. This is my new quiet place that I have settled in to. I watched the kids waiting at their bus stops, giggling and jumping around. Waved to mother as she pulled out of her driveway on her way to work. Looked at the time, and yes, I needed to leave for the office. I only live within 6 minutes, which is so much nicer...although I prefer to live in rural areas. Its just so convenient to be so close to everything though. I have spent many weeks soul searching. I have come to some pretty important decisions. I have gone to the core of my feelings and thoughts and am ready to move forward, finally. I have gained inner strength and will land on both feet. I feel lighter, and healthier and happier than I have in a very long time. Tough decisions I have been forced to make have recently have been rewarding. It was worth it. I am discovering that one moment at a time is all we can live sometimes. Baby steps.

Numbers...Ugh !

What a horrible headache today. The least favorite part of my responsibility at work is numbers. I have spent all morning crunching numbers, fuel surcharge increases, rate breakdowns, comparisons for the last 3 years. Its all I can do to stay indoors today. Bryton has been by twice, only making it harder for me to stay put as these youths flaunt their spring fever. I have determined tonight will be another "pamper me" night. Evening on the deck, same iced tea, (if Bryton doesn't add sugar to the pitcher like he did last night. What an awful surprise I got with that first sip). Maybe a manicure and a pedicure.

Familiar Surrounding

Sitting outside on the deck with no one home to interrupt me, I realize how scattered my family actually is.

Could this be a tiny root of my feelings of disconnect ? Knowing that each stage of difficulty and greatest happiness in my past I was drawn to the farm. Along with my favorite destination was family. Countless hours have been spent in that kitchen, around that table, on the porch swing, hanging laundry on the line, listening to the wisdom of my aunts.

Planning a long overdue trip to this farm, once the weather stabilizes, and looking forward to the time I'll finally spend with family nearby. Wishing the girls might be here by then, to retrace the footsteps of Toni and me when we were girls spending vacations there.

Having a few minutes of daylight left today, I walked over to mother's and replayed the weekend's events. Nothing spectacular to report as usual, other than lots naps and time well spent outdoors, reflecting on seasons past and ones still to come.

Will call my aunts today and find out what week will work for me to go, and have my uncle's get the house ready.

Surprises

Today has been a good day. I left work at noon to have lunch with Bryton. I was speechless when I walked into the house and the dishes were done, the tile had been swept (the entire house is ceramic tile), and he had actually done what few dishes remained from this weekend. Shock is more like it. After our picnic out on the deck - I allowed him to practice driving. Today is a beautiful sunny day. All of the trees and shrubs are in full bloom. Having made it to Kaleb's (his destination out in the Kibler bottoms), I took my time driving back to the office, enjoying the scenery. Admiring the sprawling farmland and the newly plowed ground of the old timers. Making a mental note to get the canning supplies in order. I believe I need to take stock of lids and seals this year. I don't think I made it from point A to point B with everything I'll need. Hearing from Dad this afternoon lifted me higher also. He will be back in the states next week, and having been informed of this weekend's activity will make a trip up. He has never failed me either. And will be there each time the task is so daunting that I need an extra shoulder. Mother's trip to Greenbrier went well, I even scored heirloom furniture for my new place. Now with this dresser and bookcase, and Grandmother's sitting chair, my new bedroom is begining to look like home. Remembering my blessings. The new house. One room at a time, making it MY space. Other than the occassional parade of teenaged boys tromping through, or sleeping there for the night, starving to death 24 hours a day, it is a very tranquil space. Airy and open with windows everywhere. I love open windows and light flooding in. I find myself hesitating every evening to close the blinds even though it is pitch black night outside. Maybe its a fobia of being closed in. Pausing at my little princess' room. Pink and purple everywhere. Tiny miniature furniture in white and her little clothes still hanging in the closet. Shoes lined up against the wall beside her dressing/vanity table. One moment at a time Shannon. Take in this day one breath at a time.

The Broken Levee

Just as the flooded rivers' wakes are thrashing against the banks and boat docks, we must be patient and see that as they recede they have cleansed everything in their path. The sole purpose of this journey is to hammer my way through the walls that are put up around me, even the glass ones that seem so safe but are so treacherous. I have always been hurt, accused, threatened, and you would not believe the stories that have been told about me that have made some believe that I am a creature other than a human. Which again is the purpose of my taking time to breathe. I spent hours this weekend trying to figure out why a telephone conversation I was involved in was being recorded, but realized that this was probably a good record in my defense. But why am I in a position AGAIN to defend myself ? And having determined, that this was such a small 18 minutes of my weekend, that it needed to be dismissed as unimportant. I am positively guilty of reaching out, but have been shut out. I am guilty of trying to help, but have been spat at. The more that has been thrown in my direction, the more strength I must rouse from deep inside. Had this been my situation a few months ago, I would be a complete basket case, just as I have spent many months and weeks in the past two and a half years - pitifully curled up in the fetal position, beating myself up because I didn't understand where all of the venom was coming from. I have resolved to take things one day at a time, one moment at a time. One situation at a time. I am human. I will make mistakes. I have made many. I am not what I have been portrayed to be, and having said that, I am not at a point in my life that I will spend any more time defending myself. I have to work on me, on family, on repairing the things that HAVE to be repaired. I have 4 little angels that need me right now, and I will focus my thoughts and actions on this task that must be taken care of immediately alone. As I continue to absorb my surroundings, breathe, think, and learn, I will hold tight to the faith that He is by my side, and will not let me falter.

Shannon's Day

I spent some time with mother and Toni yesterday afternoon, much of which was spent convincing mother that she can make the trek to Greenbrier alone just fine, as my plans to go were unexpectedly changed.

Toni and I will drive down once he gets settled and clean for him. Wondering about taking the old 8mm projector and movies and watching them with him. Movies of our days as two giggling girls bouncing around on Christmas morning. Granddaddy and Grandmother's films of the Holy Land, and Alaska, and Egypt.

Afterward, I spent what few hours of daylight were left on my deck, sipping iced tea, enjoying the sunshine. Other than having Bryton come to my aid and take my cell phone back into the house due to the annoying interruption every few moments, I actually absorbed the tranquility that was left.

Mulling over the afternoon's events, I concluded that I must do whatever is necessary to correct the wrong being done - one baby step at a time.

And continued to breathe.

Blaze

My hero. My protector. My security guard. My unjudging, always forgiving companion. My 2nd son.

Granddaddy

A giant of a man. A pillar of the community. 6'4 tower of a man. A cornerstone of his church, the most compassionate and endearing veterinarian.

Mother and I will travel to Greenbrier Saturday and help him get paperwork and finances in order for his next move. He has decided that the 2 bedroom rental is just too large now, and the space is very unnecessary.

I suppose the last lengthy visit we had, other that Christmas, was our trip to Little Rock last fall for the AVMA Arkansas convention at the Peabody. We all hid in the lobby attempting to keep the surprise from him, that he was the honoree.

Watching his hands tremble due to the onset of Parkinson's Disease as he did his best to hold his notes for his speech. Thankful that the much younger doctor that bought Granddaddy's practice came to his rescue and held them steady for him.

Remembering endless days as a young girl visiting his ranch. Toni and I running all day from the garden, to the barn, to the wooded lot, back to the patio, sneaking nibbles of mint that Grandmother had growing on the east side of the house. The two of us arguing about which one would ride in the back of the pick up and which in the front, jumping at the chance to go with him to check on a downed horse or calf. Whichever one of us won, would have to lay down in the bed of the truck until we cleared the pine grove because if mother looked out and saw us, she would undoubtedly have a full blown stroke.

Grandaddy will be moving into a studio apartment April 1st.

This year he will be 95 years old. He has led an incredibly long and ever-giving life. Even today, carrying hot meals to the "old folks" as he refers to them, checking his pocket organizer for Saturday's schedule of events, making sure that he will be able to pencil us in. He is a very busy man you know, and some things just can not be rescheduled or omitted.

I intend to spend my visit with him this weekend soaking up his knowledge, admiring his patience and longevity, and simply enjoy him.

Rain Shower

Watching the rain gush from across the street and up the hill, washing the grit from the asphalt between mother's house and mine. Realizing that her love for me has been much like this manna from Heaven we view as an inconvenient downpour. As it continues, across my yard into the 'nature-made-creek' that rushes under my deck beside the house, into the overflow that runs beneath the railroad tracks behind my property. Showing me again the symbolism of a mother's love and how it compares to the compassion God has for each of us. Remembering when we had our first big rain here, my oldest granddaughter had to call her mother and tell her about the "river" at our new house. Listening to her plans to go and purchase fish and put them in the river so that they can "grow big". Amazed that for such an innocent statement she really made a profound analogy. Through the mouths of babes. And if we lose our way, get sidetracked, may we remember, we all are still growing.

Pondering

Absorbing this journey, one day at a time, learning that I must slow down and breathe, knowing that I've lived far too many years already reaching for the satisfaction of 'fixing' everyone, every one's circumstances, and in all reality, accomplishing very little in that direction. Oh, there have been rewards, great rewards, and great relationships that have formed from this, and I appreciate all of them, truly.

This search is leading me in a new direction. It seems very un-natural for me to "relax and enjoy", discovering that without 'purpose' so-to-speak, it leaves one feeling almost mute. Trying to allow God to direct my next achievement is at times difficult for me, as everything has always depended on me.

Learning now, that waiting for His hand to guide me is a blessing, a 'reward' if you will, for listening to Him and having Faith. Knowing that He will not lead me to a place where I am unable to persevere. I must have Faith.

This Day

I found myself truly and deeply touched this morning as I have been many times in this past week. Daring to dip my toes into the forbidden abyss of her friendship. Afraid of what danger and heartache lie ahead of the unknown as I partake, as it has been repeatedly cautioned to me by not just one, but many. Knowing that this same forbidden place was one that I yearned to visit for oh so long. Now, feeling relief somewhat of finally arriving there envelopes me. Everything surrounding me feels surreal. Even comforting. Hopeful that this new peaceful place I am absorbing does not become dark and barren. Keeping my fingers crossed that the storms don't begin raging, and if they should, wanting to believe that there will also be safety in the knowledge that we should not become nor had we ever been enemies. There are boundaries, no doubt, that are too dangerous to walk beyond, and I am aware of these things. As I have known for a very long time what similarities are surrounding this new place that I have found.

'A Day in the Life'

If it could only be as simple as the Beatles made it sound ! What a song. Dad called today from Germany. Miss him terribly. Thankful his time in Baghdad is over, and that he made it back safely, as I said another prayer for our troops. Looking forward to our time together at the farm, or my new home, or wherever I'm able to spend time with him. Spent some breathing time last night, only to find myself jotting down many nonsensical ramblings of incomplete thoughts. And actually as anxiously as I was writing, it was still very relaxing and theraputic I think. Mental note : buy a journal. At least I will have it down and can go back to it when I feel the itch. Found a letter from when my daughter was 6 weeks old from her father. Called her very late and woke her up, read it to her, and promised to put it up for her. Gosh. 21 years. Very ironic that I found it during this period of my life. Also during this period of her life. Looking forward to spending time with my mother and sister at noon today. We rarely have an opportunity to do this, although we live in the same town, actually I live now directly across the street from mother, but we just don't make time. Mental note : make time for mother. Spent all morning at MY Dr. this time. That is always a nerve-racking ordeal. Another beautiful day.

Temptation

Wow ! Today is beautiful. I wish I weren't stuck in the office. I wish I were with the granddaughters - outside - soaking up the sunshine.

Will enjoy the afternoon out on the deck, with a cool glass of iced tea. Plotting revenge on the dead grass and neglected leaves and fallen branches.

Breathing in the day.

Inquest ?

So many questions. Sometimes I hate being a grown-up. THE grown-up. Longing to be at the age of innocence again. Re-learning feelings. Trusting feelings. Having faith. Knowing that God never closes one door without opening another. But trusting that this is what is meant to be....trusting that there is greater plan and it's out of my control. Remembering that it is out of my control. Struggling to reach the top - making it to the top - realizing that circumstances aren't always what they seem- or the worn-out-but-oh-so-true-cliche, 'BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR'. Getting there. Was the journey God's actual lesson ? Or did I lose sight somewhere along the way of the ultimate goal ? Trying to accept that I may need to veer off the path is very frightening. Why AM I afraid of getting in touch with my soul? Have I been away so long from myself that I am now a stranger ? CHANGE frightens me. I have to be in control. I have to take care of IT, of EVERYONE, of EVERYTHING. Frightened of slowing down. Frightened to relax. Frightened to breathe. Frightened to let go.

'Storming

Will go with him today to the dermatologist. The physician says cancer after a second look last week, so will have area removed and tested. Need to clean, organize again, slow down, breathe, take notes, relax, invoice, file, clean again, be on time to appointment, hurry up and wait, pray for peace, enjoy, breathe again. Pick up my son, deliver my son, wait on husband, call daughter. Take in the sunshine. Watch the sunset.