Peace and Beauty

We have almost 3 inches of snow already, and it is still falling. The red cardinals and blue birds colors seem stark against the blanket of white. I have home made chicken pot pie baking, the husband made it home, and we are in for the weekend. All tests and lab work came back showing marked improvement - YAY ! Loving the peace and beauty - inside and out.

Soldier

Yes you are a soldier. You always have been.... And one of love.

Good Days and Good Nights

My daughter's husband has another job on a drilling rig, meaning he is gone for days at a time. This is ok with us, at least the pay is good and that always helps. She took her FIRST job several months ago, working from ten at night to six in the morning, while the kids are sleeping and her husband was home to watch. Last night was the first night that he was gone, and she told me a week or so ago that she didn't want to quit her job because it made her feel good, and gave her her own money - but had asked her retired mother in law to spend the night twice a week at my daughter's house while the kids were sleeping...she said she would do it, for a price, so the husband and I agreed that she could bring them when she needed, having them fed most nights and in pj's so that we could all go directly to bed if needed. Last night went well, except the second dog that she has purchased, (the first is still here from when we babysat over the summer months while they moved and got settled)...anyway this dog is here, yapped all night, and she didn't take him with her this morning...so needless to say this little dog isn't happy with the outside arrangements we have set forth...no dogs in the house, not so at their place. I put her on the enclosed porch last night, which has plenty of room and is partially heated - although last night the temps only got down to the fifties. When I got up this morning to open the door for my daughter, an entire fifty lb sack of feed was shredded and everywhere !!!!!!! Not too nice to wake up to that, but the grandchildren sure were happy to wake up and realize they were still at Nanna and Pappa's house. Tonight they are home, as her husband is there and will keep the kids, and the husband is making crab legs and boiled shrimp.... Doesn't get much better than that !

To Write

I gathered my personal files while I was trying to avoid an uncomfortable conversation at work this afternoon, and began reading through trying to appear VERY busy and absorbed so that my view on the subject would not be asked. Whimpy you say ? Not so much, just exhausted and in this office, being female negates any knowledge you have anyway, just not worth it. I became intrigued - I re-read some of my writing from a few years ago, when I first began to grab a hold of myself and revisit Shannon again before she was completely gone, and I remember those surroundings very clearly. Silly I suppose, as I don't take the time I promised myself then, and now I have no excuses. So brace yourself - I may rant and wander and probably chew on the gristle a little bit but I WILL write again. I look back at those days, and realize that things ARE different around me, my stubbornness worked, and I need to spend a little more time appreciating where I am. Though it may not be where I intend to be for long, (thinking in a positive way - like finishing school, buying a home, those sorts of things), but I have made progress, and it has been progress in the right places, the important places. Again I have let my health go, and I cringe at the thought, knowing how precious life is and knowing so many that are ill, and its too late. I feel ashamed of this, and I have an appt with my Internal Medicine Specialist Thursday to get it all looked at again. It is no one's fault but my own, having no excuse other than taking time to take care of everyone else, just not me. So I will begin tonight, writing, thinking out loud, and probably venting.

These Days Are Rare

Days like today are rare, which makes me all the more thankful for them. Today our new dryer will be delivered thank goodness - I never would have dreamed I missed doing laundry. The husband is on call, and with the temperatures below zero, many water customers are freezing up, so up again today at the crack of dawn to the sound of pagers, cell phones, the home phone going off... I took him to work this morning so that he could drive the company truck home once he completes his duty, and once home I looked around sort of lost. The grand kids will be here tonight, though I told their mother to wait until after Sears leaves as I can't very well round them up with the excitement of delivery men in the kitchen, I can hear it now, "What do you do that for ? Why ? Where's your home ? Do you have a puppy ? Why are you doing that ? Do you have a house ?".... I got the kitchen cleaned, the floors mopped, meat out to thaw for dinner, the dog, chickens and horses fed, and now I'm in the computer room by the tall window, watching the little birds and chickens wander and peck. These simple but wonderful days are rare - but I cherish them.

Today I struggle with the young ones.

Over the holidays, yes I deleted his exwife from Facebook and Multiply as I said I intended, but ended up opening my home to her and his children. Unusual and a little uncomfortable, but I figured it was not about me - or her, it was about the holy holiday and actually once they all arrived, there was so much laughter - more than I've heard around this old house in many years.

That was easy - (this is the evening, she is sitting at the table, kids were there too).

Its the weeks since, the kids are all back home, continuing their lives as they choose. We've only had 4 emergency phone calls since the holidays. One from Steve's oldest son, one from my daughter, one from his youngest son, and one from his daughter. Though we have spent most of our marriage trying to help and have nearly gone broke twice, and have put or foot down as to what is acceptable to us and what will not be tolerated, they seem to continue to live their lives in the same manner, and feel that it is necessary to call when their world becomes uncomfortable.

There is one, who has always had their way - from childhood - moved back and forth from parent to parent when things got uncomfortable, who has become a grown adult and found a wonderful life partner, yet the partner won't bend to the whims and that makes things pretty miserable for this one. But wouldn't listen when we tried to explain the real world is tough, but you gotta keep on keeping on.

There is one, who from the begining has done their best to prove what an awful parent I have been, yet has children of their own that I am continually rescuing from abusive situations, even when this has meant crossing several state lines to execute this rescue. Thankfully they live nearby now, and things were better for a season, but not better now, and at this point we are exhausted and feel we have no other choice except protect the little ones and pray that some day things will be better, or the situation will be permanantly abandoned.

There is one, who has told such visious lies and storied, in order to gain favor of one parent, only to grow a few years and wish they could take it all back. One who now that is old enough to remember the way things really happened in early childhood, and old enough to see things for what they really are/were has determined that now things aren't what were perceived and has come to some distorted reality that after all of the lies when things aren't nice on the home front one call to us and they will be welcomed with open arms, which we have come to learn has been yet another tool used by the other parent to threaten and manipulate with, therefore, we wish to have no part of it - but can not seem to convince anyone involved of this.

There is one, whom I have poured my heart and soul to - many hours of direction and instruction, chose to continue on the path of their hard made road, and now is crying "Whoa is me what have I done to deserve this". Well, poor baby.

I did not open my home nor have I ever opened my home because I expected great rewards for my goodness. I put myself aside, my wounds still wet from the daggers that have pierced my heart from so many so close. I opened my heart and my home because that is at the time the most unselfish thing that I could have possibly done, and this.... after we as a married unit had already confirmed that we WOULD take time for us, yet have been once again preoccupied with others' needs.

I see I am at fault for allowing this, but really am I ? What is right ? What can I live with ? We have said no, we have turned them away, but they have no one left do they ?

Then I realize how real life is. I learned last night that not only was my son thrown through a windshield because of a 60mph head on collision, he was also sling shot through the black glass of the Yukon. The detectives told me they thought he was dead when they arrived on the scene. Yet I watch him take each day for granted and I get SO angry at him. And I can't help but get right in the middle and involved - yet am upset with myself afterward because he is an adult now, and there just is very little that I can do anymore.

I suppose I went all over the place with this one - so Adri, its ok if you are all over the place when you write. Just write.

Some Photos From Christmas

My little sweetie grandson Benjamin

Me and my sweetie Benjamin

Pappa and Benjamin

Farrah and Benjamin

Macenzie and Alstin

Steve's son Keith and daughter Paige (above)

Thomas, Alstin and Kara (above)

Alstin in his new suit (above)

WE GOT SNOW for Christmas

Steve's daughter Paige and my son Bryton (above)

Random shots of everyone