Leave the Past Or Learn From It ?

I went to a funeral today for an incredible woman. I have a past connection, a very close connection to her family, and it was strange to see them now, 7 years after the heartbreak and horrible mess we made. I tried my best to arrive unnoticed, and simply get out of the car, put on my suit jacket and slip into a back pew, but her daughter spotted me. Apparently she had to go back out to her truck for an item. She pulled me close and hugged me. Told me not to leave afterward because she really wanted to talk to me. When I managed to get inside the chapel I became overwhelmed with feelings, and shook so terribly that I clenched my purse just to steady my hands. Her granddaughter came to the back to greet me, then another, and a third. I told them it was good to see them too, and that sometime we'll visit, and that I was so sorry for their loss. I'm not understanding the sudden flood of emotion, and I can either write it off and ignore it, or I can find out what it is that needs to be dealt with and deal with it. I just need to remember how it was, and where it went wrong and understand why we did what we did.

End Of Week Sigh

Can't complain too much I suppose, its Friday finally and I can look forward to getting things done around the house at least. The husband and I stayed up half the night Wednesday night/Thursday morning discussing the kids, and their situations, and their choices, and our actions, or lack there of. Both of us woke at 5:30 am and worked all day. I came in last night and fixed supper, rinsed off our dishes, took a shower and went to bed - needless to say nothing got done. I will have the kids tomorrow night and I'd like to have everything finished so that I can enjoy them and actually play instead of rushing around everywhere. Still waiting for the word on when my surgery will be - I go Aug 5 for the final consultation and I have tried to get them to tell me the actual date so that I may plan for work and such, but they won't tell me until the consultation. Waiting is difficult, but glad to finally be able to have it done. My baby boy turned 19 today. Sounds so old.

Cooler, Slower, and Happier

This morning I got up earlier than usual and sat outside a while before time to get ready for work. There was a slight breeze blowing and the sky was overcast, making for a cool peaceful moment or two. I met my boss at the auto shop, left the keys to my car and rode in with him, this too was nice because I didn't have to worry about traffic. I am the only one at work today - most are on vacation and my boss had to go down to one of his farms to handle a problem, so its been a nice morning so far... I'm hoping it stays calm.

Works in Progress

Today I hired two boys to RE-fence the chicken pen so that I can let the hens out. I have them in four different cages, but because of predators, I have to have the fence re-run, and the guys got it done, so now just have to go around the perimeter with chicken wire/mesh. Was nice to have them anxious to work, needing cash, but they did a great job, and its finished basically. I can do the chicken wire myself. Will finally set them free to roam. I spent the morning driving through the countryside. Don't exactly know why - I headed out to the farmer's market for a bushel of corn, but all of the vendors only had sparse amounts left, so I just kept driving. When I got home, the boys had arrived and I came in and got a much needed nap. I haven't accomplished one single thing today - and I hear a bubble bath calling. Guess that's one thing I will accomplish. But - these days are rare, and I needed to chill out.

July 2010

New addition to our family.... Duke

Where I'm From

I'm from a place where Pledge on the hardwood floor made a great runway for sock-feet sliding contests ... From where the hedges around the house made great 'club houses' and hiding spots ... I am from short walks to Handy Mart for the 10 cent 7-UP Popsicles, and breaking them in half to share with sissy ... I am from giant 25 cent sodas from the machine in the parish hall after service each Sunday ... I'm from float trips on the Buffalo river with the church group ... From yellow meat watermelon with Mama and Papa Hutch ... I am from vacations at Grandmother and Granddaddy's and riding in the back of his pick up truck to his veterinary clinic to be a 'big helper' with the animals ... I am from floods and flooded ditches full of tadpoles, and the laundry room with green linoleum ... I am from freshly cut grass, perfect for 'grass houses' and "Watch out for the well, you may sink !" ... I am from fancy Christmas dresses and new housecoats ... From Grandmother's grasshopper pie and Mama Hutch's home made soup and butter beans...

Whirlwind

Finally back at work and ok. Apparently I over-did it with the amount of company, up to 11 at one night, meals, laundry, for 4 days staying with us, working full time, the funeral, keeping all four grand babies on the tail end of that - after everyone left Saturday morning the daughter called and they were going out of town supposedly - last minute, so I felt I needed to try to keep them. She picked them up Sunday around lunch time and she had no sooner left then I had another wave of people come by. We were off on Monday for the holiday but it was spent cleaning and resting - and I refused to host a cook out for the kids - much to their dismay. I have spent the last two days dizzy, nauseous, and although my stomach was empty after having rushed to the restroom and emptying it - I could not even keep water down. I left work yesterday morning so dizzy I wasn't sure if I'd make it home - but did, slept for an hour, came back to work and after work last night went straight in to bed. I think I slept 13 hours last night. I feel pretty good today. My biggest regret is not having been able to get to Adr, my best friend. She was RIGHT HERE. In from Atlanta for a funeral in her family... And again, I kick myself for putting everyone before me and not standing up for what I want, and now I'm too sick and run down to try to do anything productive. But some day I may learn.