These Days Are Rare

Days like today are rare, which makes me all the more thankful for them. Today our new dryer will be delivered thank goodness - I never would have dreamed I missed doing laundry. The husband is on call, and with the temperatures below zero, many water customers are freezing up, so up again today at the crack of dawn to the sound of pagers, cell phones, the home phone going off... I took him to work this morning so that he could drive the company truck home once he completes his duty, and once home I looked around sort of lost. The grand kids will be here tonight, though I told their mother to wait until after Sears leaves as I can't very well round them up with the excitement of delivery men in the kitchen, I can hear it now, "What do you do that for ? Why ? Where's your home ? Do you have a puppy ? Why are you doing that ? Do you have a house ?".... I got the kitchen cleaned, the floors mopped, meat out to thaw for dinner, the dog, chickens and horses fed, and now I'm in the computer room by the tall window, watching the little birds and chickens wander and peck. These simple but wonderful days are rare - but I cherish them.

Today I struggle with the young ones.

Over the holidays, yes I deleted his exwife from Facebook and Multiply as I said I intended, but ended up opening my home to her and his children. Unusual and a little uncomfortable, but I figured it was not about me - or her, it was about the holy holiday and actually once they all arrived, there was so much laughter - more than I've heard around this old house in many years.

That was easy - (this is the evening, she is sitting at the table, kids were there too).

Its the weeks since, the kids are all back home, continuing their lives as they choose. We've only had 4 emergency phone calls since the holidays. One from Steve's oldest son, one from my daughter, one from his youngest son, and one from his daughter. Though we have spent most of our marriage trying to help and have nearly gone broke twice, and have put or foot down as to what is acceptable to us and what will not be tolerated, they seem to continue to live their lives in the same manner, and feel that it is necessary to call when their world becomes uncomfortable.

There is one, who has always had their way - from childhood - moved back and forth from parent to parent when things got uncomfortable, who has become a grown adult and found a wonderful life partner, yet the partner won't bend to the whims and that makes things pretty miserable for this one. But wouldn't listen when we tried to explain the real world is tough, but you gotta keep on keeping on.

There is one, who from the begining has done their best to prove what an awful parent I have been, yet has children of their own that I am continually rescuing from abusive situations, even when this has meant crossing several state lines to execute this rescue. Thankfully they live nearby now, and things were better for a season, but not better now, and at this point we are exhausted and feel we have no other choice except protect the little ones and pray that some day things will be better, or the situation will be permanantly abandoned.

There is one, who has told such visious lies and storied, in order to gain favor of one parent, only to grow a few years and wish they could take it all back. One who now that is old enough to remember the way things really happened in early childhood, and old enough to see things for what they really are/were has determined that now things aren't what were perceived and has come to some distorted reality that after all of the lies when things aren't nice on the home front one call to us and they will be welcomed with open arms, which we have come to learn has been yet another tool used by the other parent to threaten and manipulate with, therefore, we wish to have no part of it - but can not seem to convince anyone involved of this.

There is one, whom I have poured my heart and soul to - many hours of direction and instruction, chose to continue on the path of their hard made road, and now is crying "Whoa is me what have I done to deserve this". Well, poor baby.

I did not open my home nor have I ever opened my home because I expected great rewards for my goodness. I put myself aside, my wounds still wet from the daggers that have pierced my heart from so many so close. I opened my heart and my home because that is at the time the most unselfish thing that I could have possibly done, and this.... after we as a married unit had already confirmed that we WOULD take time for us, yet have been once again preoccupied with others' needs.

I see I am at fault for allowing this, but really am I ? What is right ? What can I live with ? We have said no, we have turned them away, but they have no one left do they ?

Then I realize how real life is. I learned last night that not only was my son thrown through a windshield because of a 60mph head on collision, he was also sling shot through the black glass of the Yukon. The detectives told me they thought he was dead when they arrived on the scene. Yet I watch him take each day for granted and I get SO angry at him. And I can't help but get right in the middle and involved - yet am upset with myself afterward because he is an adult now, and there just is very little that I can do anymore.

I suppose I went all over the place with this one - so Adri, its ok if you are all over the place when you write. Just write.

Some Photos From Christmas

My little sweetie grandson Benjamin

Me and my sweetie Benjamin

Pappa and Benjamin

Farrah and Benjamin

Macenzie and Alstin

Steve's son Keith and daughter Paige (above)

Thomas, Alstin and Kara (above)

Alstin in his new suit (above)

WE GOT SNOW for Christmas

Steve's daughter Paige and my son Bryton (above)

Random shots of everyone

Making Time to Enjoy

So I shopped and shopped Saturday, got tons done, finished little touches on the house, and Steve and I wrapped oodles of gifts. I pretty much parked on the couch Saturday night, feet hurting and just really tired. I began feeling anxiety again about forgetting something, what to plan for the Christmas dinner, and how many would be here for Christmas Day, etc. I spent about two hours that evening on the phone with my oldest step-daughter Kara, and we had a wonderful visit. It is so nice when they begin to mature and grow up. She has Steve's oldest grandson, and they too live out of town so we don't see them often either.

She has all but begged to help me cook, clean, wrap gifts, run errands - etc. This is unusual for me. No one ever offers to help me !

She, her husband and their son will be here Friday night late. We decided to surprise Steve. Their original plan was to arrive two days before Christmas, and as far as Steve knows that is when they are coming. They will stay until after Christmas, so he should get some good bonding time with his grandson.

I shopped some more yesterday, and almost have everything ready, will go to UPS at noon today and ship the out of town gifts.

I decided last night that THIS year, I'm going to be finished, I'm going to stop and enjoy the holidays, no matter what anyone else has in mind. (Keeping my fingers crossed of course).

And the best news of all, I ordered a home computer from Dell this morning !!! YAY ! will finally have one at home again !

The Girls

I had the girls of course this weekend. Little Macenzie doesn't remember Christmas trees and all the lights. She walked into the house Saturday evening and said, "Nanna, is it twistmas? Did you get me a present ?"

I have a small artificial tree in the dining room/den. This tree's purpose was for all of the decorations Steve's children had gotten for him over the years. This being the fourth year that he will not see his children, I didn't drag out all of those old boxes, rather put up blue and silver ornaments, and the girls really loved it. But I saved the best for last.

This old house we live in has four small bedrooms. Very drafty bedrooms. The two rooms up front are FINALLY made into guest rooms - each with a twin bed and more floor space. The girls aren't too sure about sleeping where they aren't right close to Nanna and Pappa, so I give in each time and make a giant pallet in the big living room. (Our bedroom door opens to this living room). We kept them occupied in the den, dining room and kitchen until it got close to bedtime. I asked Steve to keep them in there until I had their bedding ready, and lit the big live tree in the living room. They were amazed. This tree nearly touches the ceiling. Macenzie said, "Oh my goodness !! Its twistmas Nanna !". Jeidyn just looked at me and said, "Nanna, why didn't you let be put stuff on it ? " Poor baby. She's the oldest, and always my helper. I've had her with me nearly every Christmas of her life. All but one I suppose. She's my little sidekick.

So after baking cookies, we talked about Jesus' birthday, and we showed them the various nativity scenes around and they had a great night. I do believe they all want their birthdays to be Christmas birthdays - rather than Dora or Princess or Little Mermaid. !!!

We woke up Sunday morning and Macenzie climbed in bed with us. "Pappa, Is it twistmas?" I think its so sweet.

Steve and I realized that this Christmas, knock on wood, will be our first Christmas since we've been married that no one was living with us, no one was estranged from spouses, and this will be our first Christmas together alone. Looking forward to it. Believe me !

Holiday Spirit

Memories like this one with two of the granddaughters a few weekends ago are so precious to me. I made a game out of raking the leaves up into piles, and then allowing them to jump in - and they had so much fun. Even though the temps have REALLY dropped, and the ground is wet - they continue to ask to "get in the leaves".

I suppose, although I haven't been asked yet, that I'll have them again this weekend. This time, weather will demand that we stay indoors, and I'm hoping that we don't have any major accidents with the Christmas decorations or trees. Wondering if these memories they make with their Nanna will stay with them the rest of their lives as mine have that were made with my Grandmother and Granddaddy, and with Mamma and Pappa Hutch ?

I suppose we'll make cookies together and possibly tackle wrapping a gift or two so they can experience that also. I'm not sure if their mother will decorate or do gifts again this year. All of the little Christmases these babies have had, they've either lived with me and my husband or others that were kind enough to take them in while they were unable to get on their feet, and my husband and I did Santa and the gifts for the whole family. This year, they finally have their own place and I have contributed decorations and money for a tree, but have yet to hear if she's done anything about it. So I will at least try to let them experience a little of the holiday while they're with me.

Another holiday season and another struggle to enjoy the true meaning of the season rather than the inevitable drama that surrounds it in my world. Seems I'm not alone - many people dealing with blended families have to deal with the jealousy between siblings, step parents, ex-spouses.