Today I struggle with the young ones.

Over the holidays, yes I deleted his exwife from Facebook and Multiply as I said I intended, but ended up opening my home to her and his children. Unusual and a little uncomfortable, but I figured it was not about me - or her, it was about the holy holiday and actually once they all arrived, there was so much laughter - more than I've heard around this old house in many years.

That was easy - (this is the evening, she is sitting at the table, kids were there too).

Its the weeks since, the kids are all back home, continuing their lives as they choose. We've only had 4 emergency phone calls since the holidays. One from Steve's oldest son, one from my daughter, one from his youngest son, and one from his daughter. Though we have spent most of our marriage trying to help and have nearly gone broke twice, and have put or foot down as to what is acceptable to us and what will not be tolerated, they seem to continue to live their lives in the same manner, and feel that it is necessary to call when their world becomes uncomfortable.

There is one, who has always had their way - from childhood - moved back and forth from parent to parent when things got uncomfortable, who has become a grown adult and found a wonderful life partner, yet the partner won't bend to the whims and that makes things pretty miserable for this one. But wouldn't listen when we tried to explain the real world is tough, but you gotta keep on keeping on.

There is one, who from the begining has done their best to prove what an awful parent I have been, yet has children of their own that I am continually rescuing from abusive situations, even when this has meant crossing several state lines to execute this rescue. Thankfully they live nearby now, and things were better for a season, but not better now, and at this point we are exhausted and feel we have no other choice except protect the little ones and pray that some day things will be better, or the situation will be permanantly abandoned.

There is one, who has told such visious lies and storied, in order to gain favor of one parent, only to grow a few years and wish they could take it all back. One who now that is old enough to remember the way things really happened in early childhood, and old enough to see things for what they really are/were has determined that now things aren't what were perceived and has come to some distorted reality that after all of the lies when things aren't nice on the home front one call to us and they will be welcomed with open arms, which we have come to learn has been yet another tool used by the other parent to threaten and manipulate with, therefore, we wish to have no part of it - but can not seem to convince anyone involved of this.

There is one, whom I have poured my heart and soul to - many hours of direction and instruction, chose to continue on the path of their hard made road, and now is crying "Whoa is me what have I done to deserve this". Well, poor baby.

I did not open my home nor have I ever opened my home because I expected great rewards for my goodness. I put myself aside, my wounds still wet from the daggers that have pierced my heart from so many so close. I opened my heart and my home because that is at the time the most unselfish thing that I could have possibly done, and this.... after we as a married unit had already confirmed that we WOULD take time for us, yet have been once again preoccupied with others' needs.

I see I am at fault for allowing this, but really am I ? What is right ? What can I live with ? We have said no, we have turned them away, but they have no one left do they ?

Then I realize how real life is. I learned last night that not only was my son thrown through a windshield because of a 60mph head on collision, he was also sling shot through the black glass of the Yukon. The detectives told me they thought he was dead when they arrived on the scene. Yet I watch him take each day for granted and I get SO angry at him. And I can't help but get right in the middle and involved - yet am upset with myself afterward because he is an adult now, and there just is very little that I can do anymore.

I suppose I went all over the place with this one - so Adri, its ok if you are all over the place when you write. Just write.