Fall is in the air (IN MID AUGUST ???)... And I'm so excited for the cooler weather ! It is cool outside and I'm already planning big family dinners and can't WAIT for time to open the house up and let the fresh air in !!

Us

In the last few moments of solitude before all of the grandbabies arrive, I have chosen to take a good look around me, with eyes wide open. I see an aging man, napping in his recliner, peacefully, finally. The years have leathered him inside and out. His heart bears many scars, as does his skin. Yet he is full of forgiveness, and love, and is still a good provider.

I see a house that has been a home to many families, and it shows. I see the cosmetic changes I've made, the new floor coverings, curtains, layers and coats of paint. It is well used, it is old, it is not a fine home, yet it has good bones, and it is still hanging in there.

I see my old dining table, 'Old Faithful'. I remember falling in love with it the minute I saw it. I even had the contractors extend the dining room wall 8 inches when they built my house, to ensure a proper fit. It has seen many a meal, many a guest, many a tear and many times of laughter. It has been there over and over when we have been fortunate enough to feed many family members. It has scars also, from many years of use, yet it is still hanging on.

I remember that from the moment we looked into each other's eyes, we knew that we wanted the same things, we knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we wanted to be there for each other. We are not perfect, we are not without fault, we are not living in a fine home, driving fine cars, eating in fine resturants. But this is who we are, what we are, where we are, and this is us.

Making Progress

So I have to say that I'm proud of the old man. The husband was out of the back patio last night, I was wrapped up in the living room watching tv when I saw that someone had called on the caller ID - I knew I had not answered, in fact I didn't even hear it ring. When I realized who it was, I started out back to tell him but before I opened the back door I heard him talking to someone. I guess I was eavesdropping - but I am glad that I did. He was explaining to someone how all he ever wanted was a large happy family. Lots of children, grandchildren, large family gatherings, and for everyone to love each other and get along, but the truth is despite how hard he and I had tried in the past,we have had nothing but turmoil from all of the kids, and it had finally soaked through his thick skull that a large happy family was not a reality - that possible some day when everyone was grown up then things would settle down and everyone could get along. He apologized to the person he was talking to, said he didn't mean to sound like he didn't care, because he really DID care, and he loved everyone, but that he and I were simply exhausted from all of it, and we were finished with the nonsense. It left me speechless. FINALLY. He has accepted the situation for what it really is. He has finally looked at what has been going on for the past 4 and a half years with sober eyes and a clear head. There was a lot of damage done before I showed up, but I have been nothing short of a faithful, loving wife and stepmother, and mother - and when everything we try continues to fail, its very discouraging. He sees what I see now. Maybe only FOR now, but now and yet to come should be all that matter - as long as he doesn't forget the road we've traveled.

And so the changes were made. One hour after bragging to one of the husband's friends that stopped by how good it felt to let go - how nice it was to finally be able to BREATHE in my own home, how peaceful things were getting for me, and how much closer the husband and I were becoming.....it all blew up. Trying to learn the right --- no that isn't what I need to say ----- I know the correct reaction, I have already learned it... I have to USE the tools I've learned. I refuse to live the rest of my life with my guard up. I am not a bad person. I made oooodles of mistakes raising my children, but I did it, its done, and if they can't get over my screw ups then I'm beginning to think that there really isn't much I can do about that. I refuse to keep a wall around me. I am getting older, I am tired, I have given and given and given. I still have love inside me - I still have a chance to be happy. I'm finished working on everyone else for a little while - they don't listen anyway, and then I run behind and pick up the pieces and sweep the rest under this perpetual rug I have my heart wrapped up in. For what ?

Father's Day Weekend

Ms Macenzie posing for me.

Farrah, enjoying the afternoon in the shade.

All the girls, visiting

The girls on their Pappa !

? Perception ?

Maybe I just realized that I have not allowed peace in my life. Maybe it has been me, refusing to TRULY step back and allow myself to stop and enjoy one moment at a time. With all of the children gone, I am learning a new me. A new perspective on my future. With my husband. I can't fix everything, and I am not willing to allow others to require me to do so. I have tried.

Pictures from the Fishing Trip

This is the home where the pond was located. It was just beautiful !!

Dad cleaning the fish

Across the pond.

This was the dock, (and one of my poles sticking up !)