Regardless, the result was that my illusion of security and stability were ripped from my soul. The very foundation of what I perceived to be right and wrong were taken away from me and was never really returned.
In these weeks of reflecting on past seasons, and pondering seasons yet to come, I found myself reaching for an unobtainable answer. No individual is ever going to give me the answers that can only be asked of myself. I don't regret my youth, or its experiences, for they together are what has made me who I am.
We all live in a very screwed up world. Each of us have trials that we must face, and each of us may very well have to dig deep inside to feel our surroundings, live our moments, and understand our circumstances before we can begin to truly live.
In my young adulthood, I worked my way through a large corporation to an upper management level, with two small children and made a good life for us. Being a single mother with a mortgage, utilities, car payments and putting food on the table was a very difficult struggle for almost a decade. I became very independent but never looked back. I have many regrets, especially for not taking time to enjoy my family and children. I had no one to lean on, and these precious angels from heaven were depending on me for every aspect of their lives. But I have let go of much regret simply because at the time I did what I had to do. Just when I came to a point in my life where I was able to relax a little, another failed relationship happened and once again my security was robbed. This time, I was left very weak and exposed.
It took several years before I felt like I could ever trust again. At least I thought I could trust again.
I look at very contrasting possibilities for the future seasons. Knowing full well that my healing must be complete before I can take another step. I have looked at all of the ugly, and focused on insecurity all of my life. I have refused to let people in. I have refused to look at the positive.
There are moments every day that I should cherish. There were moments in past seasons that I should have lived and absorbed fully. I have let circumstances and situations and fear dictate my actions and reactions rather than look at and truly seeing things for what they really are.
I am stronger than I give myself credit for. People have told me this all of my life but I have never believed it. I am not the pitiful child I left behind.
I have triumphed before, and will again. I have many seasons yet to live.
1 comment:
My mother, like many people, endured a damaging relationship for many years. She was around 40 when she finally obtained her teaching degree. Since that time, she has traveled to many interesting places, including Paris, France. After years of teaching, she opened her own art school. She was almost 50 when she propelled down the side of a cliff in the Rockies.
When I look at how little she accomplished in her early years and how much she has accomplished in her latter years, I am encouraged and inspired.
Your post made me smile.
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