The Broken Levee

Just as the flooded rivers' wakes are thrashing against the banks and boat docks, we must be patient and see that as they recede they have cleansed everything in their path. The sole purpose of this journey is to hammer my way through the walls that are put up around me, even the glass ones that seem so safe but are so treacherous. I have always been hurt, accused, threatened, and you would not believe the stories that have been told about me that have made some believe that I am a creature other than a human. Which again is the purpose of my taking time to breathe. I spent hours this weekend trying to figure out why a telephone conversation I was involved in was being recorded, but realized that this was probably a good record in my defense. But why am I in a position AGAIN to defend myself ? And having determined, that this was such a small 18 minutes of my weekend, that it needed to be dismissed as unimportant. I am positively guilty of reaching out, but have been shut out. I am guilty of trying to help, but have been spat at. The more that has been thrown in my direction, the more strength I must rouse from deep inside. Had this been my situation a few months ago, I would be a complete basket case, just as I have spent many months and weeks in the past two and a half years - pitifully curled up in the fetal position, beating myself up because I didn't understand where all of the venom was coming from. I have resolved to take things one day at a time, one moment at a time. One situation at a time. I am human. I will make mistakes. I have made many. I am not what I have been portrayed to be, and having said that, I am not at a point in my life that I will spend any more time defending myself. I have to work on me, on family, on repairing the things that HAVE to be repaired. I have 4 little angels that need me right now, and I will focus my thoughts and actions on this task that must be taken care of immediately alone. As I continue to absorb my surroundings, breathe, think, and learn, I will hold tight to the faith that He is by my side, and will not let me falter.