Progress ???

Not real sure where this will go - but I will get it out and get it over with. After all, that is why I'm here - searching, learning, absorbing, taking in deep breaths.

As anyone who knows me will tell you, my upbringing was not typical. I was taught to love your neighbor - regardless of color, creed, religion,and so forth, for this was the human race, we all are children of God and should be treated as such. Yet I have paid ten fold most of my adult life by many (living in the south) for living my life by this doctrine or belief or whatever you call it.

I never planted roots, never really had anywhere that I could call 'home' as most people do. I moved A LOT. I learned A LOT. I made MANY mistakes and I tried many times to combat forces that were too strong and too massive for me to even attempt, and I got knocked down more often than prevailing. I will admit here and now, that I have even had episodes of mental instability and a very close call with a nervous breakdown at a VERY young age.

I had my children very young. Too young. I raised them alone, working in the corporate jungle, climbing ladders and building a financial future of security and comfort. I entered a relationship with the man of my dreams, my best friend, my partner, my future, and it too after nearly 7 years, two troubled teens, MANY court appearances, and life itself, I severed all ties...and began again.

I put this out there, because circumstances in this past year have brought me to a crossroads again in my life. A very BIG one.

Being first and most importantly a mother, I have neglected to ever pay attention to what I want, which is not uncommon to any loving mother out there, but I believe that the time has come in my life to determine what is best for Shannon, figure out what Shannon wants, and take steps to make it happen for Shannon.

Nearly three years ago, I married for friendship, companionship, and above all love.

I have learned of situations in my husband's past that were incomprehensible, unforgivable, and even in the eye of the law - criminal. I feel at this crossroad, knowledge is power. My youngest is nearly grown and on his own, and believe me, should I ever be even the slightest bit threatened, my little athlete will overpower this aging husband of mine...as a matter of fact, one year ago this week my husband raised his voice at me, frustrated about a story that had been made up by one of the young people, and was thrown right at us, and my son stood toe to toe and let him know how unnecessary it was that he take that tone. Period.And right now I feel ridiculous defending my decision to marry him.

It should be out there also, that my reason for separating from him had much to do with issues in the past, but issues that were not being dealt with. Issues that to this day aren't being dealt with. To be such a 'Neanderthal' - which don't get me wrong, describes him to a "T" - somehow he has never learned to say NO to these young ones. And it infuriates me. Many times, I've suggested growing a backbone, put your foot down....and these aren't unrealistic requests. But they aren't uncommon in marriage either.

I admit, I am a submissive. I always have been. Oh, my mother and sister tell me all the time that they do not know how on earth I handle everything, how I remain so strong, how in the world do I keep up with everything and still keep going and take care of everyone on top of it. But I am not that strong inside. I do what I have to do to maintain life. Many people depend on me...drivers and their families for their financial security, my boss for his business and contract purposes, our buyers for their contract purchases and my broker for his paycheck...my son for his everyday needs, my mother, my sister, my daughter, granddaughters, and countless young people that pull me in all directions. Truthfully, the husband gets what is left over, with the hope that when everyone grows up and gets their crap together, without the drama and nonsense and games, that we will have time alone, to grow old together. I can't count how many times I have told him I wish that we were already old, and retired, and finished...and maybe this is a cop-out. I get tired too.

Anytime that one marries into a family with children from a previous marriage, I suppose there are difficult times. I am thankful that my stepchildren have a wonderful mother, who above all only wants what is good and right for the children, and takes care of everything. My husband and I are not asked to jump on a whim when there is a problem, truthfully, we would not even know if there WERE a squabble or a peep...and for that I am truly grateful. Most importantly, I am not expected to be a "mother figure" to them. I have too much on my plate as it is, and quite frankly I do not volunteer for this job. I am their father's wife. They can like it or not. I didn't ask their opinion before I made MY decision, because it was my decision not anyone else's. They may like it, they may hate it, but rest assured, it will not be a factor in my choosing to work things out or end the marriage. I will always be kind to them as is deserved and look out for them when they are in my care, as any mother would do for anyone's child left in her care. But I'm afraid that is where I draw the line. Maybe when everyone is grown up and have become adults, we can develop a friendship. This is positive point number ONE.

Number TWO has to be the fact that I am capable of managing on my own, and I am not afraid of it, having overcome so much and were I afraid or nervous I would take steps to correct my position and do whatever has to be done to resolve the issue. I can stand alone, I've done it nearly all of my life. Kids in tow and all.

Number THREE, is the fact that there is a whole big future out there, wide open to whatever I decide to make of it.

That is where I am today. And all of their issues, problems, day to day life is quite irrelevant to me today, as I am working on Shannon right now. Not the kids, not the husband or the mother in law or the siblings. Simply Shannon. I am only living one day at a time right now. Someday, the whitewash that has blanketed past experiences and lives of many will be stripped and made clean. And no matter how painful the process, I believe that to get where I need to be, to make the decisions I need to make, I think I have to go there. My crossroad isn't an easy one. I am trying to live with eyes wide open, and follow the advice of a friend to take it easy and watch it all unfold. Hell...its my life.